Gan/Lillian-Discussions

||Starbase 12
||Briefing Room
||August 3, 2387
||1630

Gan drummed his fingers on the table, watching everyone leave the room. This wouldn't be the ideal place to have this conversation. But he needed to make sure everything was okay with Lillian, he had an inkling of how she felt but he knew he could never truly understood. He walked over to the replicator in the room, "Green tea. Warm." He spoke gently and retrieved the cup. He looked back to her, smiling softly. "Can I get you anything before I sit down again?" He paused momentarily, sipping the tea. This would be a hard thing to broach but he needed to say something. Everyone else had left, so they were alone. "I wanted to talk to you about the ethical quandaries you are dealing with from on the planet's surface, Lillian. I know you're having a hard time with what happened down there, and I also know its not necessarily something you can dump on the counselors either. They might have to report you, I'm unsure of their views on it..but..if you need to as your captain I am here for you." He pondered for a moment, leaning against the bulkhead.

"I know I can't imagine what it's like, having to put your duty before the oaths you swore. I remember them as well, but I am as liable as you? I know you have a more personal attachment and I don't begin to dream what that means. But..Lilly.." He sighed softly, "I give orders in crises that get people killed. Sometimes its to save more lives, but still...people die under my watch and sometimes at my behest? Does that make me any less liable in an ethical sense than you are? I put you in the situation that caused you to need to violate your oath to do no harm, so perhaps I have done just as much harm as you." He shrugged his shoulders, "You helped save the lives of everyone who came back, and while the price in life can never truly be worth it, it cannot be overlooked. You did what you had to do to get your people home." He looked her in the eyes, "And I wouldn't have done any differently in your shoes."

||Starbase 12
||Briefing Room
||August 3, 2387
||1630

Gan drummed his fingers on the table, watching everyone leave the room. This wouldn't be the ideal place to have this conversation. But he needed to make sure everything was okay with Lillian, he had an inkling of how she felt but he knew he could never truly understood. He walked over to the replicator in the room, "Green tea. Warm." He spoke gently and retrieved the cup. He looked back to her, smiling softly. "Can I get you anything before I sit down again?" He paused momentarily, sipping the tea. This would be a hard thing to broach but he needed to say something. Everyone else had left, so they were alone. "I wanted to talk to you about the ethical quandaries you are dealing with from on the planet's surface, Lillian. I know you're having a hard time with what happened down there, and I also know its not necessarily something you can dump on the counselors either. They might have to report you, I'm unsure of their views on it...but...if you need to as your captain I am here for you." He pondered for a moment, leaning against the bulkhead.

"I know I can't imagine what it's like, having to put your duty before the oaths you swore. I remember them as well, but I am as liable as you? I know you have a more personal attachment and I don't begin to dream what that means. But...Lilly..." He sighed softly, "I give orders in crises that get people killed. Sometimes its to save more lives, but still...people die under my watch and sometimes at my behest? Does that make me any less liable in an ethical sense than you are? I put you in the situation that caused you to need to violate your oath to do no harm, so perhaps I have done just as much harm as you." He shrugged his shoulders, "You helped save the lives of everyone who came back, and while the price in life can never truly be worth it, it cannot be overlooked. You did what you had to do to get your people home." He looked her in the eyes, "And I wouldn't have done any differently in your shoes."

"I could have just given him what he wanted," Lillian found herself saying.

She hadn't given as much thought to it in the way that she was sure she should have, but the events had plagued her dreams...even turned the best dreams into nightmares in the middle of the night and she knew they would continue. Lillian had had such dreams during the war, but as Max had pointed the war was over and a lot of that had been pushed down by her ventures in Starfleet to become a better person--to find out who she was besides a fighter. She had always been the kind of person to give of herself and to hold nothing back and never ask for anything in return; to fight and protect with the ferocity of a mother bear...but there was a pain there she'd always carry and this reminded her of things about herself she had wanted to keep buried.

Now Gan was telling her things she supposed she expected of him, though she had feared he would send her to the counselors but even he knew that might lose him his CMO. This was nothing that she couldn't get past, she just needed time and yet every time she let herself think about what had happened she couldn't bring herself from thinking that his death had been preventable...if she'd just let him have what he wanted of her in the first place. Sure, she told herself that she was low on time and needed answers as quickly as possible, but a voice deep inside told her that had she just let him use her--maybe helped things along in the ways Betazoids knew how--she could have gotten through the time crunch and spared him.

Those thoughts haunted her. "Taking a life isn't something that I am not...it's not something I haven't done," she explained to Gan, picking her words more carefully as she continued to speak. "You know from my records and from brief chats that I was part of the Dominion War on Betazed so it's not his death exactly--it's that something inside of me let me take his life after I swore myself to Starfleet. If I can still do something like that, then how far have I really come? I haven't."

||Starbase 12
||Briefing Room
||August 3, 2387
||1630

Gan drummed his fingers on the table, watching everyone leave the room. This wouldn't be the ideal place to have this conversation. But he needed to make sure everything was okay with Lillian, he had an inkling of how she felt but he knew he could never truly understood. He walked over to the replicator in the room, "Green tea. Warm." He spoke gently and retrieved the cup. He looked back to her, smiling softly. "Can I get you anything before I sit down again?" He paused momentarily, sipping the tea. This would be a hard thing to broach but he needed to say something. Everyone else had left, so they were alone. "I wanted to talk to you about the ethical quandaries you are dealing with from on the planet's surface, Lillian. I know you're having a hard time with what happened down there, and I also know its not necessarily something you can dump on the counselors either. They might have to report you, I'm unsure of their views on it...but...if you need to as your captain I am here for you." He pondered for a moment, leaning against the bulkhead.

"I know I can't imagine what it's like, having to put your duty before the oaths you swore. I remember them as well, but I am as liable as you? I know you have a more personal attachment and I don't begin to dream what that means. But...Lilly..." He sighed softly, "I give orders in crises that get people killed. Sometimes its to save more lives, but still...people die under my watch and sometimes at my behest? Does that make me any less liable in an ethical sense than you are? I put you in the situation that caused you to need to violate your oath to do no harm, so perhaps I have done just as much harm as you." He shrugged his shoulders, "You helped save the lives of everyone who came back, and while the price in life can never truly be worth it, it cannot be overlooked. You did what you had to do to get your people home." He looked her in the eyes, "And I wouldn't have done any differently in your shoes."

"I could have just given him what he wanted," Lillian found herself saying.

She hadn't given as much thought to it in the way that she was sure she should have, but the events had plagued her dreams...even turned the best dreams into nightmares in the middle of the night and she knew they would continue. Lillian had had such dreams during the war, but as Max had pointed the war was over and a lot of that had been pushed down by her ventures in Starfleet to become a better person--to find out who she was besides a fighter. She had always been the kind of person to give of herself and to hold nothing back and never ask for anything in return; to fight and protect with the ferocity of a mother bear...but there was a pain there she'd always carry and this reminded her of things about herself she had wanted to keep buried.

Now Gan was telling her things she supposed she expected of him, though she had feared he would send her to the counselors but even he knew that might lose him his CMO. This was nothing that she couldn't get past, she just needed time and yet every time she let herself think about what had happened she couldn't bring herself from thinking that his death had been preventable...if she'd just let him have what he wanted of her in the first place. Sure, she told herself that she was low on time and needed answers as quickly as possible, but a voice deep inside told her that had she just let him use her--maybe helped things along in the ways Betazoids knew how--she could have gotten through the time crunch and spared him.

Those thoughts haunted her. "Taking a life isn't something that I am not...it's not something I haven't done," she explained to Gan, picking her words more carefully as she continued to speak. "You know from my records and from brief chats that I was part of the Dominion War on Betazed so it's not his death exactly--it's that something inside of me let me take his life after I swore myself to Starfleet. If I can still do something like that, then how far have I really come? I haven't."

He shrugged his shoulders, "The Cardassian occupation of Bajor was a huge pressure on my parents when I was growing up. Our home had just become independent from the occupation a year before I was born. I can only imagine the things that they went through. But I know the trials and tribulations of growing up in a situation like what happened during the Dominion War. I of course was never part of the actual fighting, but I know the aftermath all too well." He pondered for a moment, "I don't want this on record Lilly. But not mentioning it could lose me my job. So if we do this, you have to let me know if you're hurting. I didn't know you during the war, but you're a damn fine woman and I would be remiss to lose you as my CMO. I don't think it was something that's wrong with you. This universe...it'll make you doubt yourself. Make you bleed. But you can come back from that if you try. Sometimes things have to be done to make sure that you can make it home. I don't blame you, but I need to know that you don't blame yourself. You can't kick yourself over this too hard."

||Starbase 12
||Briefing Room
||August 3, 2387
||1630

Gan drummed his fingers on the table, watching everyone leave the room. This wouldn't be the ideal place to have this conversation. But he needed to make sure everything was okay with Lillian, he had an inkling of how she felt but he knew he could never truly understood. He walked over to the replicator in the room, "Green tea. Warm." He spoke gently and retrieved the cup. He looked back to her, smiling softly. "Can I get you anything before I sit down again?" He paused momentarily, sipping the tea. This would be a hard thing to broach but he needed to say something. Everyone else had left, so they were alone. "I wanted to talk to you about the ethical quandaries you are dealing with from on the planet's surface, Lillian. I know you're having a hard time with what happened down there, and I also know its not necessarily something you can dump on the counselors either. They might have to report you, I'm unsure of their views on it...but...if you need to as your captain I am here for you." He pondered for a moment, leaning against the bulkhead.

"I know I can't imagine what it's like, having to put your duty before the oaths you swore. I remember them as well, but I am as liable as you? I know you have a more personal attachment and I don't begin to dream what that means. But...Lilly..." He sighed softly, "I give orders in crises that get people killed. Sometimes its to save more lives, but still...people die under my watch and sometimes at my behest? Does that make me any less liable in an ethical sense than you are? I put you in the situation that caused you to need to violate your oath to do no harm, so perhaps I have done just as much harm as you." He shrugged his shoulders, "You helped save the lives of everyone who came back, and while the price in life can never truly be worth it, it cannot be overlooked. You did what you had to do to get your people home." He looked her in the eyes, "And I wouldn't have done any differently in your shoes."

"I could have just given him what he wanted," Lillian found herself saying.

She hadn't given as much thought to it in the way that she was sure she should have, but the events had plagued her dreams...even turned the best dreams into nightmares in the middle of the night and she knew they would continue. Lillian had had such dreams during the war, but as Max had pointed the war was over and a lot of that had been pushed down by her ventures in Starfleet to become a better person--to find out who she was besides a fighter. She had always been the kind of person to give of herself and to hold nothing back and never ask for anything in return; to fight and protect with the ferocity of a mother bear...but there was a pain there she'd always carry and this reminded her of things about herself she had wanted to keep buried.

Now Gan was telling her things she supposed she expected of him, though she had feared he would send her to the counselors but even he knew that might lose him his CMO. This was nothing that she couldn't get past, she just needed time and yet every time she let herself think about what had happened she couldn't bring herself from thinking that his death had been preventable...if she'd just let him have what he wanted of her in the first place. Sure, she told herself that she was low on time and needed answers as quickly as possible, but a voice deep inside told her that had she just let him use her--maybe helped things along in the ways Betazoids knew how--she could have gotten through the time crunch and spared him.

Those thoughts haunted her. "Taking a life isn't something that I am not...it's not something I haven't done," she explained to Gan, picking her words more carefully as she continued to speak. "You know from my records and from brief chats that I was part of the Dominion War on Betazed so it's not his death exactly--it's that something inside of me let me take his life after I swore myself to Starfleet. If I can still do something like that, then how far have I really come? I haven't."

He shrugged his shoulders, "The Cardassian occupation of Bajor was a huge pressure on my parents when I was growing up. Our home had just become independent from the occupation a year before I was born. I can only imagine the things that they went through. But I know the trials and tribulations of growing up in a situation like what happened during the Dominion War. I of course was never part of the actual fighting, but I know the aftermath all too well." He pondered for a moment, "I don't want this on record Lilly. But not mentioning it could lose me my job. So if we do this, you have to let me know if you're hurting. I didn't know you during the war, but you're a damn fine woman and I would be remiss to lose you as my CMO. I don't think it was something that's wrong with you. This universe...it'll make you doubt yourself. Make you bleed. But you can come back from that if you try. Sometimes things have to be done to make sure that you can make it home. I don't blame you, but I need to know that you don't blame yourself. You can't kick yourself over this too hard."

"I think it's in the rules somewhere that I need to see a counselor if something plagues me enough not to do my job but I just...I can't. This isn't something I want to keep talking about," she admitted to Gan with a shake of her head. "You know what hurts me the most? Honestly? Is that I broke a promise. My people believe in honesty--we have naked weddings to symbolize the giving of oneself completely and truly--and when a promise is broken, it's a pretty big deal. We try very, very hard not to lie and are more disappointed than most when a lie occurs. We're not perfect and we do lie sometimes, but I made an oath when I became a doctor: to do no harm. I did harm the moment I was so upset that I concocted a plan to poison a man and you know what? I was going to give him an antidote but his touch made my skin crawl and he was just going to kill us all anyway and I snapped...and I let him die. Those aren't the kinds of decisions I get to make anymore and I want to believe that I won't ever do that again, but what if I'm just like..."

She trailed off because she had sworn long ago never to speak of Marshall and should he find out she was starting to, he'd send someone after her and she'd spent so long away from him. He was not a force to be reckoned with and part of why she was so good at being a Betazoid despite all the growing that she had done personally in the Academy. While Lillian craved companionship and she wanted to be a mother more than anything else, she knew deep down that because of what she was capable of, she didn't deserve that...didn't deserve it because of the mistakes that she had made. Her past was perfect as far as anyone else was concerned, but there were dark chapters she didn't want to relive even though this was making her think of those days more and more.

"I'll be alright, Captain," Lillian told him after she composed herself. "I just need a couple of days to myself to regroup and remind myself of why I joined Starfleet in the first place. I need to relax and I need to remind myself that I'm good at what I do and that it's about helping people...I need to remind myself that I'm here for a reason. I got through the war when I was 16 and I'll get through this now. I'm older and I've got more to live for and I'm not going to do anything to jeopardize your command. The moment I feel I am unfit, you will be the first to know, but I don't think that's necessary. It's just still too soon and I need to cope with my actions. Maybe two or three days off?"

||Starbase 12
||Briefing Room
||August 3, 2387
||1630

Gan drummed his fingers on the table, watching everyone leave the room. This wouldn't be the ideal place to have this conversation. But he needed to make sure everything was okay with Lillian, he had an inkling of how she felt but he knew he could never truly understood. He walked over to the replicator in the room, "Green tea. Warm." He spoke gently and retrieved the cup. He looked back to her, smiling softly. "Can I get you anything before I sit down again?" He paused momentarily, sipping the tea. This would be a hard thing to broach but he needed to say something. Everyone else had left, so they were alone. "I wanted to talk to you about the ethical quandaries you are dealing with from on the planet's surface, Lillian. I know you're having a hard time with what happened down there, and I also know its not necessarily something you can dump on the counselors either. They might have to report you, I'm unsure of their views on it...but...if you need to as your captain I am here for you." He pondered for a moment, leaning against the bulkhead.

"I know I can't imagine what it's like, having to put your duty before the oaths you swore. I remember them as well, but I am as liable as you? I know you have a more personal attachment and I don't begin to dream what that means. But...Lilly..." He sighed softly, "I give orders in crises that get people killed. Sometimes its to save more lives, but still...people die under my watch and sometimes at my behest? Does that make me any less liable in an ethical sense than you are? I put you in the situation that caused you to need to violate your oath to do no harm, so perhaps I have done just as much harm as you." He shrugged his shoulders, "You helped save the lives of everyone who came back, and while the price in life can never truly be worth it, it cannot be overlooked. You did what you had to do to get your people home." He looked her in the eyes, "And I wouldn't have done any differently in your shoes."

"I could have just given him what he wanted," Lillian found herself saying.

She hadn't given as much thought to it in the way that she was sure she should have, but the events had plagued her dreams...even turned the best dreams into nightmares in the middle of the night and she knew they would continue. Lillian had had such dreams during the war, but as Max had pointed the war was over and a lot of that had been pushed down by her ventures in Starfleet to become a better person--to find out who she was besides a fighter. She had always been the kind of person to give of herself and to hold nothing back and never ask for anything in return; to fight and protect with the ferocity of a mother bear...but there was a pain there she'd always carry and this reminded her of things about herself she had wanted to keep buried.

Now Gan was telling her things she supposed she expected of him, though she had feared he would send her to the counselors but even he knew that might lose him his CMO. This was nothing that she couldn't get past, she just needed time and yet every time she let herself think about what had happened she couldn't bring herself from thinking that his death had been preventable...if she'd just let him have what he wanted of her in the first place. Sure, she told herself that she was low on time and needed answers as quickly as possible, but a voice deep inside told her that had she just let him use her--maybe helped things along in the ways Betazoids knew how--she could have gotten through the time crunch and spared him.

Those thoughts haunted her. "Taking a life isn't something that I am not...it's not something I haven't done," she explained to Gan, picking her words more carefully as she continued to speak. "You know from my records and from brief chats that I was part of the Dominion War on Betazed so it's not his death exactly--it's that something inside of me let me take his life after I swore myself to Starfleet. If I can still do something like that, then how far have I really come? I haven't."

He shrugged his shoulders, "The Cardassian occupation of Bajor was a huge pressure on my parents when I was growing up. Our home had just become independent from the occupation a year before I was born. I can only imagine the things that they went through. But I know the trials and tribulations of growing up in a situation like what happened during the Dominion War. I of course was never part of the actual fighting, but I know the aftermath all too well." He pondered for a moment, "I don't want this on record Lilly. But not mentioning it could lose me my job. So if we do this, you have to let me know if you're hurting. I didn't know you during the war, but you're a damn fine woman and I would be remiss to lose you as my CMO. I don't think it was something that's wrong with you. This universe...it'll make you doubt yourself. Make you bleed. But you can come back from that if you try. Sometimes things have to be done to make sure that you can make it home. I don't blame you, but I need to know that you don't blame yourself. You can't kick yourself over this too hard."

"I think it's in the rules somewhere that I need to see a counselor if something plagues me enough not to do my job but I just...I can't. This isn't something I want to keep talking about," she admitted to Gan with a shake of her head. "You know what hurts me the most? Honestly? Is that I broke a promise. My people believe in honesty--we have naked weddings to symbolize the giving of oneself completely and truly--and when a promise is broken, it's a pretty big deal. We try very, very hard not to lie and are more disappointed than most when a lie occurs. We're not perfect and we do lie sometimes, but I made an oath when I became a doctor: to do no harm. I did harm the moment I was so upset that I concocted a plan to poison a man and you know what? I was going to give him an antidote but his touch made my skin crawl and he was just going to kill us all anyway and I snapped...and I let him die. Those aren't the kinds of decisions I get to make anymore and I want to believe that I won't ever do that again, but what if I'm just like..."

She trailed off because she had sworn long ago never to speak of Marshall and should he find out she was starting to, he'd send someone after her and she'd spent so long away from him. He was not a force to be reckoned with and part of why she was so good at being a Betazoid despite all the growing that she had done personally in the Academy. While Lillian craved companionship and she wanted to be a mother more than anything else, she knew deep down that because of what she was capable of, she didn't deserve that...didn't deserve it because of the mistakes that she had made. Her past was perfect as far as anyone else was concerned, but there were dark chapters she didn't want to relive even though this was making her think of those days more and more.

"I'll be alright, Captain," Lillian told him after she composed herself. "I just need a couple of days to myself to regroup and remind myself of why I joined Starfleet in the first place. I need to relax and I need to remind myself that I'm good at what I do and that it's about helping people...I need to remind myself that I'm here for a reason. I got through the war when I was 16 and I'll get through this now. I'm older and I've got more to live for and I'm not going to do anything to jeopardize your command. The moment I feel I am unfit, you will be the first to know, but I don't think that's necessary. It's just still too soon and I need to cope with my actions. Maybe two or three days off?"

He nodded, "I understand. It's a rough thing to go through and I'm sorry that you had to break your oath. But I'm glad you made it back safe, and I won't worry overmuch how that occurred. I won't send you to the counselor's office or anything like that, just take your couple of days off and enjoy them. I'll cover at sickbay if need be." He smiled warmly, "That desk is a trap Lilly, don't let anyone convince you otherwise. Once you sit behind it, you're stuck there. Not that some days it isn't worth it...but most days I don't feel like I have enough time to have a life. I don't have the luxury of taking time off, unfortunately I can't have someone cover being the Captain." He laughed warmly, "But it's a beautiful thing knowing that you have a family that's there for you supporting you. Your fellow officers are your family, and we're here for you." He stood up, "It's nice to have you back on board. Thank you Lieutenant, for everything you've done."

||Starbase 12
||Briefing Room
||August 3, 2387
||1630

Gan drummed his fingers on the table, watching everyone leave the room. This wouldn't be the ideal place to have this conversation. But he needed to make sure everything was okay with Lillian, he had an inkling of how she felt but he knew he could never truly understood. He walked over to the replicator in the room, "Green tea. Warm." He spoke gently and retrieved the cup. He looked back to her, smiling softly. "Can I get you anything before I sit down again?" He paused momentarily, sipping the tea. This would be a hard thing to broach but he needed to say something. Everyone else had left, so they were alone. "I wanted to talk to you about the ethical quandaries you are dealing with from on the planet's surface, Lillian. I know you're having a hard time with what happened down there, and I also know its not necessarily something you can dump on the counselors either. They might have to report you, I'm unsure of their views on it...but...if you need to as your captain I am here for you." He pondered for a moment, leaning against the bulkhead.

"I know I can't imagine what it's like, having to put your duty before the oaths you swore. I remember them as well, but I am as liable as you? I know you have a more personal attachment and I don't begin to dream what that means. But...Lilly..." He sighed softly, "I give orders in crises that get people killed. Sometimes its to save more lives, but still...people die under my watch and sometimes at my behest? Does that make me any less liable in an ethical sense than you are? I put you in the situation that caused you to need to violate your oath to do no harm, so perhaps I have done just as much harm as you." He shrugged his shoulders, "You helped save the lives of everyone who came back, and while the price in life can never truly be worth it, it cannot be overlooked. You did what you had to do to get your people home." He looked her in the eyes, "And I wouldn't have done any differently in your shoes."

"I could have just given him what he wanted," Lillian found herself saying.

She hadn't given as much thought to it in the way that she was sure she should have, but the events had plagued her dreams...even turned the best dreams into nightmares in the middle of the night and she knew they would continue. Lillian had had such dreams during the war, but as Max had pointed the war was over and a lot of that had been pushed down by her ventures in Starfleet to become a better person--to find out who she was besides a fighter. She had always been the kind of person to give of herself and to hold nothing back and never ask for anything in return; to fight and protect with the ferocity of a mother bear...but there was a pain there she'd always carry and this reminded her of things about herself she had wanted to keep buried.

Now Gan was telling her things she supposed she expected of him, though she had feared he would send her to the counselors but even he knew that might lose him his CMO. This was nothing that she couldn't get past, she just needed time and yet every time she let herself think about what had happened she couldn't bring herself from thinking that his death had been preventable...if she'd just let him have what he wanted of her in the first place. Sure, she told herself that she was low on time and needed answers as quickly as possible, but a voice deep inside told her that had she just let him use her--maybe helped things along in the ways Betazoids knew how--she could have gotten through the time crunch and spared him.

Those thoughts haunted her. "Taking a life isn't something that I am not...it's not something I haven't done," she explained to Gan, picking her words more carefully as she continued to speak. "You know from my records and from brief chats that I was part of the Dominion War on Betazed so it's not his death exactly--it's that something inside of me let me take his life after I swore myself to Starfleet. If I can still do something like that, then how far have I really come? I haven't."

He shrugged his shoulders, "The Cardassian occupation of Bajor was a huge pressure on my parents when I was growing up. Our home had just become independent from the occupation a year before I was born. I can only imagine the things that they went through. But I know the trials and tribulations of growing up in a situation like what happened during the Dominion War. I of course was never part of the actual fighting, but I know the aftermath all too well." He pondered for a moment, "I don't want this on record Lilly. But not mentioning it could lose me my job. So if we do this, you have to let me know if you're hurting. I didn't know you during the war, but you're a damn fine woman and I would be remiss to lose you as my CMO. I don't think it was something that's wrong with you. This universe...it'll make you doubt yourself. Make you bleed. But you can come back from that if you try. Sometimes things have to be done to make sure that you can make it home. I don't blame you, but I need to know that you don't blame yourself. You can't kick yourself over this too hard."

"I think it's in the rules somewhere that I need to see a counselor if something plagues me enough not to do my job but I just...I can't. This isn't something I want to keep talking about," she admitted to Gan with a shake of her head. "You know what hurts me the most? Honestly? Is that I broke a promise. My people believe in honesty--we have naked weddings to symbolize the giving of oneself completely and truly--and when a promise is broken, it's a pretty big deal. We try very, very hard not to lie and are more disappointed than most when a lie occurs. We're not perfect and we do lie sometimes, but I made an oath when I became a doctor: to do no harm. I did harm the moment I was so upset that I concocted a plan to poison a man and you know what? I was going to give him an antidote but his touch made my skin crawl and he was just going to kill us all anyway and I snapped...and I let him die. Those aren't the kinds of decisions I get to make anymore and I want to believe that I won't ever do that again, but what if I'm just like..."

She trailed off because she had sworn long ago never to speak of Marshall and should he find out she was starting to, he'd send someone after her and she'd spent so long away from him. He was not a force to be reckoned with and part of why she was so good at being a Betazoid despite all the growing that she had done personally in the Academy. While Lillian craved companionship and she wanted to be a mother more than anything else, she knew deep down that because of what she was capable of, she didn't deserve that...didn't deserve it because of the mistakes that she had made. Her past was perfect as far as anyone else was concerned, but there were dark chapters she didn't want to relive even though this was making her think of those days more and more.

"I'll be alright, Captain," Lillian told him after she composed herself. "I just need a couple of days to myself to regroup and remind myself of why I joined Starfleet in the first place. I need to relax and I need to remind myself that I'm good at what I do and that it's about helping people...I need to remind myself that I'm here for a reason. I got through the war when I was 16 and I'll get through this now. I'm older and I've got more to live for and I'm not going to do anything to jeopardize your command. The moment I feel I am unfit, you will be the first to know, but I don't think that's necessary. It's just still too soon and I need to cope with my actions. Maybe two or three days off?"

He nodded, "I understand. It's a rough thing to go through and I'm sorry that you had to break your oath. But I'm glad you made it back safe, and I won't worry overmuch how that occurred. I won't send you to the counselor's office or anything like that, just take your couple of days off and enjoy them. I'll cover at sickbay if need be." He smiled warmly, "That desk is a trap Lilly, don't let anyone convince you otherwise. Once you sit behind it, you're stuck there. Not that some days it isn't worth it...but most days I don't feel like I have enough time to have a life. I don't have the luxury of taking time off, unfortunately I can't have someone cover being the Captain." He laughed warmly, "But it's a beautiful thing knowing that you have a family that's there for you supporting you. Your fellow officers are your family, and we're here for you." He stood up, "It's nice to have you back on board. Thank you Lieutenant, for everything you've done."

"Well, you have an XO and a 2XO for a reason," Lillian teased, smiling at him. "You actually have to take time off every once in a while just to make sure you're right in the head, but I hear what you're saying. You're responsible for this station and everyone on it and that's a heavy burden to bear, I know. I don't know entirely as I've never been in charge of an entire station, but I've been in charge of enough to know that you feel more weighed down sometimes than I do...or any of the rest of us. That doesn't mean you shouldn't take a break every now and again though. If you're not in good health and sound mind than neither are the rest of us, so remember that before you condemn yourself. You are just as every bit a person as the rest of us, and every bit as much in need of time to yourself--anyone in Starfleet would agree with me. In fact my place as CMO is to make sure that sometimes you take a break."

She had to throw that in just to remind him and herself of her position because she needed to step up here as she was in charge of so much more than people thought she was. Sure, she had Sickbay and she had nurses to oversee and she had to be responsible for the whole station as well, but it had never really seemed like that. There were other doctors who helped her, she wasn't the only one, but Gan was the only captain and that meant that he was the only one that anyone was really looking to, to make the decisions around here. On top of all of that, Lillian was supposed to make sure that Gan was good and fit for duty and how could she be responsible for so much--especially him--if she couldn't even be responsible for herself.

Nodding she gave Gan a smile. "Thank you too, Captain. I'll be fine with just a bit of time to myself, I'm sure of it."

||Starbase 12
||Briefing Room
||August 3, 2387
||1630

Gan drummed his fingers on the table, watching everyone leave the room. This wouldn't be the ideal place to have this conversation. But he needed to make sure everything was okay with Lillian, he had an inkling of how she felt but he knew he could never truly understood. He walked over to the replicator in the room, "Green tea. Warm." He spoke gently and retrieved the cup. He looked back to her, smiling softly. "Can I get you anything before I sit down again?" He paused momentarily, sipping the tea. This would be a hard thing to broach but he needed to say something. Everyone else had left, so they were alone. "I wanted to talk to you about the ethical quandaries you are dealing with from on the planet's surface, Lillian. I know you're having a hard time with what happened down there, and I also know its not necessarily something you can dump on the counselors either. They might have to report you, I'm unsure of their views on it...but...if you need to as your captain I am here for you." He pondered for a moment, leaning against the bulkhead.

"I know I can't imagine what it's like, having to put your duty before the oaths you swore. I remember them as well, but I am as liable as you? I know you have a more personal attachment and I don't begin to dream what that means. But...Lilly..." He sighed softly, "I give orders in crises that get people killed. Sometimes its to save more lives, but still...people die under my watch and sometimes at my behest? Does that make me any less liable in an ethical sense than you are? I put you in the situation that caused you to need to violate your oath to do no harm, so perhaps I have done just as much harm as you." He shrugged his shoulders, "You helped save the lives of everyone who came back, and while the price in life can never truly be worth it, it cannot be overlooked. You did what you had to do to get your people home." He looked her in the eyes, "And I wouldn't have done any differently in your shoes."

"I could have just given him what he wanted," Lillian found herself saying.

She hadn't given as much thought to it in the way that she was sure she should have, but the events had plagued her dreams...even turned the best dreams into nightmares in the middle of the night and she knew they would continue. Lillian had had such dreams during the war, but as Max had pointed the war was over and a lot of that had been pushed down by her ventures in Starfleet to become a better person--to find out who she was besides a fighter. She had always been the kind of person to give of herself and to hold nothing back and never ask for anything in return; to fight and protect with the ferocity of a mother bear...but there was a pain there she'd always carry and this reminded her of things about herself she had wanted to keep buried.

Now Gan was telling her things she supposed she expected of him, though she had feared he would send her to the counselors but even he knew that might lose him his CMO. This was nothing that she couldn't get past, she just needed time and yet every time she let herself think about what had happened she couldn't bring herself from thinking that his death had been preventable...if she'd just let him have what he wanted of her in the first place. Sure, she told herself that she was low on time and needed answers as quickly as possible, but a voice deep inside told her that had she just let him use her--maybe helped things along in the ways Betazoids knew how--she could have gotten through the time crunch and spared him.

Those thoughts haunted her. "Taking a life isn't something that I am not...it's not something I haven't done," she explained to Gan, picking her words more carefully as she continued to speak. "You know from my records and from brief chats that I was part of the Dominion War on Betazed so it's not his death exactly--it's that something inside of me let me take his life after I swore myself to Starfleet. If I can still do something like that, then how far have I really come? I haven't."

He shrugged his shoulders, "The Cardassian occupation of Bajor was a huge pressure on my parents when I was growing up. Our home had just become independent from the occupation a year before I was born. I can only imagine the things that they went through. But I know the trials and tribulations of growing up in a situation like what happened during the Dominion War. I of course was never part of the actual fighting, but I know the aftermath all too well." He pondered for a moment, "I don't want this on record Lilly. But not mentioning it could lose me my job. So if we do this, you have to let me know if you're hurting. I didn't know you during the war, but you're a damn fine woman and I would be remiss to lose you as my CMO. I don't think it was something that's wrong with you. This universe...it'll make you doubt yourself. Make you bleed. But you can come back from that if you try. Sometimes things have to be done to make sure that you can make it home. I don't blame you, but I need to know that you don't blame yourself. You can't kick yourself over this too hard."

"I think it's in the rules somewhere that I need to see a counselor if something plagues me enough not to do my job but I just...I can't. This isn't something I want to keep talking about," she admitted to Gan with a shake of her head. "You know what hurts me the most? Honestly? Is that I broke a promise. My people believe in honesty--we have naked weddings to symbolize the giving of oneself completely and truly--and when a promise is broken, it's a pretty big deal. We try very, very hard not to lie and are more disappointed than most when a lie occurs. We're not perfect and we do lie sometimes, but I made an oath when I became a doctor: to do no harm. I did harm the moment I was so upset that I concocted a plan to poison a man and you know what? I was going to give him an antidote but his touch made my skin crawl and he was just going to kill us all anyway and I snapped...and I let him die. Those aren't the kinds of decisions I get to make anymore and I want to believe that I won't ever do that again, but what if I'm just like..."

She trailed off because she had sworn long ago never to speak of Marshall and should he find out she was starting to, he'd send someone after her and she'd spent so long away from him. He was not a force to be reckoned with and part of why she was so good at being a Betazoid despite all the growing that she had done personally in the Academy. While Lillian craved companionship and she wanted to be a mother more than anything else, she knew deep down that because of what she was capable of, she didn't deserve that...didn't deserve it because of the mistakes that she had made. Her past was perfect as far as anyone else was concerned, but there were dark chapters she didn't want to relive even though this was making her think of those days more and more.

"I'll be alright, Captain," Lillian told him after she composed herself. "I just need a couple of days to myself to regroup and remind myself of why I joined Starfleet in the first place. I need to relax and I need to remind myself that I'm good at what I do and that it's about helping people...I need to remind myself that I'm here for a reason. I got through the war when I was 16 and I'll get through this now. I'm older and I've got more to live for and I'm not going to do anything to jeopardize your command. The moment I feel I am unfit, you will be the first to know, but I don't think that's necessary. It's just still too soon and I need to cope with my actions. Maybe two or three days off?"

He nodded, "I understand. It's a rough thing to go through and I'm sorry that you had to break your oath. But I'm glad you made it back safe, and I won't worry overmuch how that occurred. I won't send you to the counselor's office or anything like that, just take your couple of days off and enjoy them. I'll cover at sickbay if need be." He smiled warmly, "That desk is a trap Lilly, don't let anyone convince you otherwise. Once you sit behind it, you're stuck there. Not that some days it isn't worth it...but most days I don't feel like I have enough time to have a life. I don't have the luxury of taking time off, unfortunately I can't have someone cover being the Captain." He laughed warmly, "But it's a beautiful thing knowing that you have a family that's there for you supporting you. Your fellow officers are your family, and we're here for you." He stood up, "It's nice to have you back on board. Thank you Lieutenant, for everything you've done."

"Well, you have an XO and a 2XO for a reason," Lillian teased, smiling at him. "You actually have to take time off every once in a while just to make sure you're right in the head, but I hear what you're saying. You're responsible for this station and everyone on it and that's a heavy burden to bear, I know. I don't know entirely as I've never been in charge of an entire station, but I've been in charge of enough to know that you feel more weighed down sometimes than I do...or any of the rest of us. That doesn't mean you shouldn't take a break every now and again though. If you're not in good health and sound mind than neither are the rest of us, so remember that before you condemn yourself. You are just as every bit a person as the rest of us, and every bit as much in need of time to yourself--anyone in Starfleet would agree with me. In fact my place as CMO is to make sure that sometimes you take a break."

She had to throw that in just to remind him and herself of her position because she needed to step up here as she was in charge of so much more than people thought she was. Sure, she had Sickbay and she had nurses to oversee and she had to be responsible for the whole station as well, but it had never really seemed like that. There were other doctors who helped her, she wasn't the only one, but Gan was the only captain and that meant that he was the only one that anyone was really looking to, to make the decisions around here. On top of all of that, Lillian was supposed to make sure that Gan was good and fit for duty and how could she be responsible for so much--especially him--if she couldn't even be responsible for herself.

Nodding she gave Gan a smile. "Thank you too, Captain. I'll be fine with just a bit of time to myself, I'm sure of it."

He smiled, "I'll do my best to take a vacation if I need to. But for now, I think I can handle it. But trust me I will let you know if I think I need a day off. It tests you. It really does." He smiled softly, "Take your couple of days and maybe I'll talk to you and Max about taking a couple myself. We'll see how it goes." He stood up and started to walk out. "Well if you need anything, don't be afraid to find me. Let me know if anything else is troubling you later on."