Mission One: Post Mission

||Starbase 12
||Lillian's Quarters > Sickbay > Holodeck II
||August 3, 2387
||0424


Multiple positions. Banter. Poison. Strange transitions. That handsome mug. Forced compliance. All of this led to Lillian literally rolling out of bed in the middle of the night. At first a loud 'oof' was heard, but Lillian knew that she had just been rudely awakened from an otherwise mostly pleasant night's sleep and it made her grumble as she untangled herself from her blankets and ran her hand across her temple and up to her head. Her fingers immediately tangled into her hair and she chewed on her bottom lip as she looked up at the ceiling and tried to let her heartbeat slow down. It was racing, trying to burst through her chest and she didn't know what to do.

"Part of it's pleasant...part of it's terrifying," she said aloud shaking her head. "It should have just strictly been pleasant."

Of course that was what she had wanted and she had enjoyed those parts of the dream immensely, but right now she was also focusing on her subconscious telling her that she wasn't allowed to be happy...that she didn't get to have what she wanted. She had poisoned a man and given him false hope for an antidote, in the end responsible for his death when she had taken an oath as a Starfleet doctor to do no harm. It bothered her that she just couldn't seem to get past it either, because one moment she thought she was fine and next she felt so guilty that it made her stomach churn. All she knew was that right now she needed a shower and while part of her wished it needed to be cold because that meant an eventful slumber, she needed a hot shower.

So she stripped down and got into the shower to clean herself off, allowing herself to spend some time in there before she got out and made sure to brush her hair and get herself into her uniform. She was also supposed to take some time off, but that didn't mean that she didn't have some paperwork to go over since she already talked to Gan about the mission and gave him her report. This killing someone was really weighing heavily on her and yet part of her felt like it was totally justified given the situation, but she was having a rough time and she knew that. All that she could do so that Doctor Stone didn't send her to the counselor, was to pretend that she was her happy and bubbly self, and most people couldn't even see right through that--that, she was happy for.

In fact none of her nurses noticed when she went in before her shift and went to just sit in her office and work, a smile not even touching her lips as she worked away and tried to stop the flashes from assaulting her. She could only imagine what things might have happened to her had she not taken action and she didn't want to think about that because it made her skin crawl--not like the other parts of it. What bothered her most was that right now she couldn't even stay focused on the positive because a little voice in her head was telling her that all of the happiness she was focusing on would never happen. She felt as though because she had broken the oath again, she was a terrible person and she needed to be punished...not like she wasn't being punished anyway.

"Just focus, Lilly...let him take the negativity away..." Lillian whispered to herself as she closed her eyes.

After a moment or two of trying she gave up, asking the computer for the time and grumbling because only an hour had passed since she had rolled out of bed and so at 0532, Lillian Crae found herself in Holodeck II. If there was anything that was going to take her mind off of things it was a good holonovel, as she certainly wasn't going to be getting any sleep after all of that on the planet. She felt out of place and jumbled and she was having a hard time figuring out if she was having a meltdown or if she was simply feeling things she'd never really let herself feel before...oh, for the love of the Four Deities--what if it was a little of both? Shaking it off, Lillian started the program and let herself have a little time to regain her composure before she returned to her quarters and collapsed on the couch.

|| Starbase 12
|| Sickbay
|| August 3, 2387
|| 0900

Max awoke somewhat groggy, and tried to sit up. His head spun a bit and he shook it to try and clear his vision. Clearly he was in some sort of facility, but where it was- sickbay. OK. Well that was good news. Now if he could just make his way to his office things would be just fine.

"Sir, lie back please. You're still a little woozy from the stabilizing agents. Let me give you something for the disorientation," a soothing voice spoke in his ear, and he felt a hypospray being applied to his neck. Soon enough he did feel better.

"So what's the verdict? How much of me did they leave on the planet?" Max asked sarcastically, but even so he was wiggling his toes and fingers just in case. Things were a bit hazy after the attack on the command center.

"Let me see…" the nurse mused, producing a tricorder and running it the length of his body. "Regeneration seems to be nearly complete, and there's no long term cellular damage as far as I can see. I'd say you're on your way to a full recovery, provided you don't overexert yourself as your body heals itself."

"Yes, yes, light duty and all that. I'll be sure not to wander into the cargo loading area and help them move durasteel crates in my free time. Now can I return to my quarters already?" Max replied, just as sardonically.

"I'm sorry sir, the Chief Medical Officer has marked your case as requiring her personal approval for release." That irritated Max at first, but then he cheered up a bit when he considered the possible implications. Besides, he knew there was no point in arguing with the officious young nurse.

"Well then, please go and get her, will you? And some more painkillers," he grimaced, rubbing his temples.

Lillian was more than happy about working and keeping her mind off of things, looking up as her nurse came in and told her that Max had come to. She got up and walked out into the main area, taking a seat next to him and reaching out to touch his face because she was glad that he was there and giant smile was on her face. That whole time on the planet was more than she wanted to remember and it was nice to know that everyone that she cared about was here and perfect.

"Sorry, but I'm making you go through hoops before I send you off again," Lillian told him gently. "I'm not about to lose you."

That being said she slid her hand away and grabbed the PADD the nurse had handed her, looking over his vitals and nodding at all of it. He seemed to be perfectly healthy and that made her feel even better, knowing that she couldn't possibly just make him stay here even though there were plenty of people she wished she could just hold and keep safe and he was one of those people. After the accident she was far more attached to people than she should have been and she knew that, and after seeing him tied to that gun, she just couldn't.

"You seem healthy, but how do you feel?" Lillian asked him.

Max pursed his lips for a moment, then took a long look down at his body and slowly back to Lillian's smiling face. "Well…lucky, I suppose. We had a time of it down there. I know some of your people didn't make it back, and for what it's worth, it was my away mission. They were my people too." He gave her a meaningful look since that's what he thought was expected in this type of situation, but in truth he hadn't known the casualties and didn't want to think about them too much. Too much paperwork he had to deal with because of them.

To change the subject away from himself (always a good idea for an intel officer), Max fixed Lillian with a pointed gaze. "How about you? On your feet again? I hope you're feeling well. I owe you my life, I guess. I'm not sure what to say about that other than…thank you?" he said hesitantly and swallowed after he asked it, gazing into Lillian's captivating dark eyes for a long moment. Then he shook himself out of the reverie, and quickly changed the subject.

"Well, uh, the Marine…how's he doing? He was in a bad way too, I remember," he inquired carefully, trying not to sound too hopeful that there might be some 'tragic' news about Taylor.

"Lieutenant Lucas is fine," Lillian responded as she waved it off, not wanting to talk about him. "I got you both in the shuttle and treated to here in enough time for you to both make it out but now we have a fall out and I'd rather it all just be done. If we hadn't all been together down there, none of us would be here now."

She felt she was getting preachy though and smiled instead. "What matters is I didn't lose you and you're healthy and fit for duty. We suffered a loss, but now we regroup and get ready for next time, you know? You were in charge of this mission and we made it back, so the more we salvaged the better. You and I have to start thinking more positively."

Lillian didn't quite know what to do right now when Max was inquiring about her and while she didn't want to lie, she didn't want to tell the whole truth either. Her nightmares were for her alone and while it could be argued that she should tell a counselor about them, she just wanted this behind her. Taking a deep breath she rested her hand on Max's and gave him the most convincing voice she could muster even though the words she uttered were true.

"I am doing much better now that we're back on the station," she said gently.

"I hear that," Max replied happily, missing the depth in her tone. "Hopefully the Captain will allot us some R&R time…and hopefully the CMO will let us take it," he said with a wink. "If she'll clear me for it, I know this great little Tellarite bar on the main promenade. I just hate to go to a bar alone, you know? So maybe if you came along some time it might speed my recovery...." he said pleasantly, smiling from the sick bed. Max felt like there was a bond between the two of them after the away mission, and he wanted to preserve it as best as he could. "I mean, that is, if…the CMO is OK with that," he added coyly.

Still, his memories of that away mission were creeping back to him and he recalled some of her looks in the direction of Taylor. How was that whole situation proceeding? There might be a complication there. Wondering if he had overplayed his hand a bit, Max decided to back off a bit. "So can you give me any news about the station? I've, uh, I've been out of it for a little while, you know," he grinned sheepishly, gesturing around sickbay.

"Oh, Max," she smirked at his words, nodding a little bit. "The CMO thinks it's a bit early for a bar, but she'll gladly take the CIO to breakfast to get some food in his stomach so he doesn't destroy his liver. In fact, the CMO hasn't had breakfast either and it wouldn't be right for her to not set a good example, now wouldn't it?"

Lillian chewed on her lip. "We had a saboteur and an explosion in the Science Labs that mutated a virus that infected some of the crew--our CO and CEO included. Lieutenant Branton created a fix that held things off until I got back to cure it and the man behind it...you remember Cobalt. He lost more than any of us that accident. After all he did to the station...he didn't make it..."

"Is that so…" Max frowned, thoughts of socializing momentarily forgotten. This seemed a pressing Intelligence issue if there ever was one, and he needed to stay on top of this kind of thing from now on. "I suppose I'll need to see if it goes further than a single disgruntled officer. And with all that's been going on, I sure hope there won't be any more incidents." As he spoke the words, Max ran through contingency plans for this kind of internal infiltration as developed by Starfleet Intelligence. The first thing would be to contact the Counseling staff and getting a hold of their reports. It might be done by asking, or he might have to resort to other means, but this was the sort of thing that clearly needed to be done. And now he certainly had justification for this kind of increased internal surveillance.

"Breakfast would be nice for now though. Maybe the CMO can recommend a place that serves something tastier than hospital food?" Max asked with a grin. He sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the sickbay bed, full of new resolve and wanting to test his own physical limits after his injuries. "Lieutenant Branton…is that our Chief of Science?" he mused aloud, recalling something he had overheard a while back. "She sounds like a capable officer then, wouldn't you agree?"

"She knows several, let's go," Lillian said with a grin on her face, but it was dashed by the mention of Cecily.

Something about the woman just infuriated her and vice versa. The two had a rivalry that not many knew about--in fact mostly it was just the close personal friends, such as Bridget and Marlo who knew about the rivalry and even then the two could be civil to each other. Certainly didn't help that she was impressed by Cecily getting that stimulant up and running and distributed. Still, Lillian wanted to talk about Cecily less than she wanted to talk about Taylor and Taylor's commitment to anything but his job issues.

"Yes, our Chief of Science and she's...capable," the Betazoid said, and that was all she wished to say on the matter. "I'm in the mood for pancakes, what do you say?" she asked fluffing her hair. "Pancakes, coffee and maybe some sausage or bacon...food is essential."

"Sure thing." Max took note of Lillian's change in expression when Cecily was mentioned, but he didn't push it. For now he was happy to be alive and getting breakfast with Lillian. As they made their way down the corridor, he glanced over at her. "So now that all the excitement has died down…would you tell me something? If you were made XO tomorrow, what would be your first priority? This whole command thing is a bit overwhelming for me at times, and I need to start soliciting advice and recommendations from my fellow officers as much as possible. It's hard for an old spook like me to admit it, but communication really is key now," he said with a reluctant grin.

"Are you asking me what I would do if I took your job from you?" Lillian looked at Max questioningly and then she chuckled a little bit. "First of all, I would try to get this station back up to where it was when it was put into effect to do what it does now and for that, we need more marines around here. I know that's not ideal for most--trust me, I know--but people felt safe and with our security department in the disarray that it is, I think that everyone needs to feel safe. All of this could have been prevented with more weapon ready personnel charging in."

Lillian took a deep breath and led him to the Promenade, glancing at him and giving him a gentle smile and shrug. "Everyone around here needs to feel like they are being protected by all of us that are higher up and regardless of personal issues, this is professional. We all need to get our shit together. Hmm...I'm kind of thinking of alcohol in coffee. Humans still do that, right?"

"I'm told that some still do that, yes," Max replied with a mischievous smile. Still, he pondered her words in silence as they entered the restaurant and were seated. When the waitress arrived with menus, he wasted no time. "Two Irish coffees, if you please." When the waitress moved off, he glanced at Lillian, grinning again "Oh, I'm sorry, did you want something to drink?" That bit of joking aside, he scanned the menu and quickly found what he liked. "Breakfast sampler special, yessirree. I want it all!" he laughed. Still, there was a pensive expression on his face after that.

When Max saw that Lillian appeared to have made her own decision as to what to order, he said abruptly "Why do you think more marines around would be a good idea? Sure, the station's security is facing a problematic time now, but it's no cause for scrapping the gold shirts in favor of the green. Marines are really meant for offensive purposes; they're the first to admit it." Some of them could be downright offensive, that was for sure. "I appreciate your input, but understand we can't have this station turned into some kind of forward assault base. Too many of our neighbors would view that as provocative. Even extra starships for rescue and reconnaissance are likely to raise some hackles, but bringing aboard even more marines…" Max let that trail off. It was obviously a sore spot for him, and he was saved by the arrival of the coffee.

Lillian gave the waitress a moment when the coffees arrived and then ordered her breakfast and let Max order his before she decided to move the conversation forward again. She could tell that he didn't like this topic of discussion one bit, but she also felt like this was about the station and not about whatever it was inside of him that hated marines so much...or just didn't want them around. Ever since the accident, it seemed like no one seemed to understand that they were a special kind of starbase and so in the end it really didn't matter personally so much as it mattered professionally and it mattered to Starfleet. Just that thought alone made Lillian wonder when she got like this because professionalism had never been her strong suit and right now she was lobbying for it.

"People around him seem to forget that Starfleet commissioned us to be a 'Response Base', of which we need marines for," Lillian said as she looked Max in the eye. "It's not about what we feel or about whether we want more marines around or not--it's about doing our job and judging by how botched our Away Mission was and how this station faired in our absence, we're not doing our jobs. I don't want to replace gold with green, I want the numbers of both gold and green to go back up to where they were before we lost so many people and I've already suggested we do that in my report to the Captain. We're supposed to be able to send out muscle and aid at the drop of a hat and also to protect our own and we're not doing a very good job of it, now are we? As the XO, it's your job to make sure that the station returns to doing what it is that it's supposed to do regardless of your personal feelings on the subject. To Hell with our neighbors--losing all of those gold, green and teal shirts that we lost during the accident lost us morale and we haven't gotten it back. This station right now is weak and I know that you don't want to be known for being the XO of a station that can't hold it's own...that's not good for any career path."

Lillian took a deep breath but then scowled a little. "Besides, all marine do is their duty--they don't really care for much else so what's the problem with having our numbers of them back up? They won't get in the way because there's nothing worse than someone trying to invite them into their personal life but that gets in the way of their jobs and they can't have that." It all came out a bit bitter, but Lillian started to drink her coffee to make herself stop from verbally vomiting all over the place when Max didn't need to hear it. "As long as they're not losing their limbs, they'll follow orders regardless of personal feelings so why should we have personal feelings about them?"

Any trace of a smile vanished from Max's face during Lillian's diatribe, to be replaced by an utterly impassive expression. "Don't tell me my job," he said quietly, coldly, perhaps forgetting he had asked her to do just that, in effect. He sipped his coffee and took a long time to respond further. "To hell with our neighbors, Lillian? I am just a little bit worried that that kind of attitude will have us responding to a whole lot more nasty things than if we applied a reasoned, diplomatic approach to this sector's problem. Now granted this latest away mission couldn't have been resolved favorably for us by more negotiating, but I think in the future this sort of thing can be avoided through careful analysis and measured response. No more charging in blind with guns blazing," he said, satisfied with himself and his position more and more.

"To that end I will lobby the captain for an expansion of the Intelligence department, to avoid this kind of mishap in the future. Replacement Medical, Scientific, and Engineering personnel are also a priority. And if we bring in more marines at some point…" he said distastefully "…it will have to be made clear to them that 'response' means support and protection of medical and scientific away teams, not search and destroy raids. It's not the Dominion War anymore," Max added finally, remembering her file and wondering how she would take that little bit. He was of the opinion that people needed to be reminded of that frequently, lest a wartime mentality become entrenched in Starfleet.

"Don't ask me for my opinion if you don't want to hear it," Lillian responded, not at all taken back by his cold words.

She knew that she had overstepped, but when you ask a Betazoid for her opinion, you better be damn ready to also get some emotional lash out along with it. Still, she felt a little bad about it and still agreed with him with the fact that they needed more Intelligence officers--Hell, she wouldn't mind getting more engineers and perhaps better science officers. This whole place needed to rebuild and yet she knew that that meant that everyone needed to work together and just arguing with each other didn't really help a thing. So, she sighed and got up from her seat, moving to the other part of the booth that they were in to sit next to him, resting her hand on his knee.

"Look, Max, I'm sorry that I got emotional, but I do that," Lillian explained to him, running her hand up and down his leg. "This isn't a war time, but I just...all of this personal in place of professional is wrong and I don't like it and that's so weird for me, you know? I mean I'm me...you kind of know me. You are the XO--you can educate the new marines all that you want and make sure that they respect you. After all, if it's not the CO, it's you that's in charge. I'm sorry, okay. I hate making you mad."

That said, she leaned in and kissed his cheek. "Can we just have a nice breakfast and focus on being alive? I don't want to focus on work or on marines or on extra personnel, I just want to make sure that you are fed and healthy and...good. Happy even. So just please focus on me and not on what work we need to do, okay?" She nodded and went back to her own seat, sipping her coffee. "Did you see that I trimmed my bangs?"

Her rebuke made Max feel awful for snapping at her like that. She was right, he'd asked for her opinion, and moreover he'd forgotten who she was. He knew he should treasure everything she said to him, and try and understand it and where it was coming from. Lillian had been through a lot of the same things he had, or at least understood better than most. She was honest, and that was one of the most attractive things about her. And in the end she was right. The stronger the station became, the better it would reflect on him, and his eventual command prospects. What better to enhance his record than leading the rebuilding of a shattered starbase? So he finally nodded in eventual acceptance of her words.

Her movements and tone after that made Max feel wonderful. As she moved closer, touched him, spoke to him, and of course kissed his cheek, it all became clearer and clearer to him. Of course. Why should he worry? It was obvious now, always had been actually. She felt the exact same feelings for him that he felt for her. The whole business with Taylor was just a little game. Women loved their little games, after all. Just a way of making him jealous, that was all. There was no way an intelligent, free-spirited, and of course beautiful woman like her would fall for a knuckle-dragging grunt like the Marine. At the very least it was her subtle way of urging him to be more masculine with her, more dominating. Less gentle. That he could do of course, and certainly would now…within reason. They had their professional lives to consider as well. But he would see what he could do.

"Sorry…I forgot I asked you. Too many people are offering advice unsolicited to me these days, and it's not exactly impersonal what they're offering. I appreciate you, I really do. A reality check always helps. I'll make it up to you soon." He smiled then, genuinely, pondering what sort of food and wine pairing she liked for a moment. Then he continued, sounding wistful. "Not many people dare to really open up to me like you do. Even the Captain seems to keep my at arms length most of the time. I just wonder sometimes if this would all be easier if I wore a red uniform instead of a gray one." He waved a hand as if in helpless regret, then locked his gaze on her.

"Your bangs, yes…" For a moment Max pretended to frown at something he saw, then spoke in false hesitation at first. "Well, as a matter of fact…they look lovely. Just don't keep them too neatly styled, you know. I like that slightly distressed look on you. It's the clearest memory I have of the away mission…though maybe the whole look was enhanced by your…attire. What, ah, what ever became of that dress?" he asked, grinning wolfishly. All in good fun of course, but he hoped the implication was getting through. Masculinity, but subtle. The kind Taylor could never match.

"You men and that dress," Lillian said laughing. "You and Taylor both seemed very intent on it and it was red, so I kept it. I wonder what would have happened had I been naked instead. I'm sure you'd both bring the conversation around to that as well, but I suppose in that instance I'd have to remind you that Betazoids have naked weddings and to be honest, I have no issues being naked if I have to be. The only reason I wear clothes is because it's socially acceptable that I do that in the Federation."

She was teasing of course even though it was true about the naked part, but it did make her blush a little because both he and Taylor seemed to like that dress so much more than she had, but it was because of what it had symbolized at the time. Now of course she liked it more, having tucked it away in her quarters just in case she ever felt like wearing it again even though it was certainly something only someone with intentions of ripping it off would ask about. That made her wonder for a moment if Max was showing the interest in her she had hoped that Taylor would and if he was, then what was she going to do about it?

"You know, for not getting along, you have a lot in common the two of you," Lillian pointed out before she could stop the words from coming out of her mouth. "I don't know how we're all going to survive with you two so head strong and me so determined to do exactly what it is that I think is best..."

"Socially acceptable, yes," Max grinned, ignoring the mention of Taylor and his fashion preferences. "And it might be a bit too distracting for your fellow officers also, yes?" He laughed as their food arrived, then surveyed the breakfast spread with obvious pleasure. "Good call, I say. A nice change from emergency rations, without a doubt. You must let me return the favor some time. I know a wonderful place on the promenade, Romulan/Bajoran fusion cuisine. I know it sounds strange, but I think the chef has hit a sweet spot in terms of spice and sustenance in my opinion. Maybe after your next shift ends?" he asked carefully, letting the question hang for a moment before dismissing it. "I'll check with you later about it, don't worry." That was the trick he knew, to keep them on their toes. Keep her too flustered and awed to even think about a certain thick-necked marine.

Still, on that note he had to work to disguise a grimace at the second mention of Taylor and when Lillian said the two of them had a lot in common. How are we all going to survive indeed. "I wouldn't worry about it too much. Lieutenant Lucas will settle down and learn his place soon enough. I have already decided on some changes in my command style as well. And you..." he gazed at her for a long moment. "…you will just have to do what you think is best, as always. Make the right choices, the ones that your heart tells you to make and all that. Don't you think so too?" He finished that little dialogue by starting on his pancakes, but not without glancing at her meaningfully as he did so.

"Sometimes I think distraction is a good thing," Lillian replied with a laugh and a shrug. "I'll check my schedule and let you know. sounds like an interesting bit of food choices, though I warn you, even with Lieutenant Bakel as a best friend I'm not entirely attune to spicy things..."

She smiled even though she said that, listening to him and gaging his physical reactions...reading his emotions. Lillian was a Betazoid and it was really hard not to just sit around and see if people were being truthful with you or not--in fact the only reason she didn't take advantage was because Marlo had told her so long ago that it was rude to do that...rude to get in people's minds and root around. Still, it also seemed that there was more going on here than she was being let in on and she didn't know what that was. She certainly wasn't ready to hear all of that about Taylor and then to have Max say that to her about doing what her heart told her.

"Taylor can handle anything thrown at him and I'm looking forward to seeing what he does with more marines if he gets them," Lillian replied with a smile and then she beamed a little more. "I will certainly listen to my heart, but I think that sometimes I'm far too emotional for my own good. Still...I'll remember you said that. Thank you, Max...for still being my friend after all of this. I appreciate you."

Max smiled warmly at that, taking it as a sign that things were moving along as he had hoped between the two of them. "How could I not be your friend after all this?" he asked earnestly. "You saved my life down there. Probably multiple times. That means something...something special," he said softly, reaching across the table to gently rest his hand on hers. "Thank you for that...and more," he grinned, gazing into her eyes. Enchanting eyes, like most Betazoids. For an Intel officer like him they carried a hint of danger and intrigue, the possibility of secrets being revealed, but that just made her all the more alluring in his eyes. And he knew Lillian was too kind-hearted for anything like that.

He let his gaze and his hand linger on her for a moment longer, then lifted his hand and speared the last of his pancakes with his fork. After finishing his food, Max drained the last of his coffee and looked back at Lillian contentedly. "Well that hit the spot. I think it must be the ambiance that makes the food here taste better than replicator fare." He wiped his mouth with a napkin and leaned back. "So what do you have planned today?"

Lillian smiled at him and met his eye contact. "It's just nice that you and I can still connect is all," she told him as she finished off her breakfast too and thought about the day. "You know, it's mostly work and this debrief about the planet and then Marlo and I have some bonding planned but we always bond at one point or another in the day. I think we all need to put some focus on what it is that we need to work toward and then we need to do just that--work toward the future. More than anything, I want to make sure that we're all working together, regardless of...disagreements."

She actually meant she and Cecily then, but it could have been meant for Max and Taylor as well. Right now Lillian just wanted to get the show on the road and go back to how things were before the accident and it meant that she needed to kind of focus on her work as well because she knew that she was faltering a bit. What she needed was to make sure that her work was done and not focus so much on men, but that was easier said than done and at that moment she wanted the conversation away from herself because she was far too honest for her own good and right now she felt like complicating things was only going to help her dig herself a deeper hole.

"What about you, Max? What are your plans for the rest of the day?" Lillian asked him, honestly interested.

Max narrowed his eyes and looked at her menacingly. "That's classified," he growled, holding the steely gaze for a moment before laughing. "Just kidding. I just need to do some paper work. It never ends..." he sighed dramatically, and waved a hand for effect. Just then his PADD chimed, and after checking it his eyes went wide. "Oh, and now I remember I need to have a meeting with the Captain ASAP." Real life started catching up with him after the little vacation from life's problems he experienced in Lillian's presence and he regretted it, but c'est la vie.

"Well," Max asked jovially, "I hate to act the spy and ask you this, but can you keep a secret? Just list my release from Sickbay as occurring in half an hour, so the Captain doesn't wonder why I didn't report right away. Leisurely breakfasts with pretty young doctors may be good for morale, but they might seem to hurt efficiency a bit in his eyes. So it'll be our little secret, eh? I'll make it worth your while, promise," he said with a wink, standing and tossing his napkin on the table.

"By now you should know how I feel about lying," Lillian told him plainly, sighing a little bit.

It was no secret that her people valued honesty and at this point in time she had hoped that Max knew her better than that, but he just seemed to want this favor and after the Away Mission? She felt like she owed him. Honestly, she felt like she owed Max and Taylor everything even though others might argue that she had killed the man to get to them and that his plaguing her was somewhat their faults...but they had saved her. Without them she wouldn't have survived and yes, she saved them too, but she had done this to protect them as they had used everything in them to save her and she just felt as though she owed them so maybe one little lie regardless of how much she didn't want to lie...Gan would understand, wouldn't he? Max was his right hand and if she said he needed to be fed as CMO, that couldn't for something didn't it?

"You know, I could just tell him I took you for food on my orders," Lillian tried even though part of her was wavering on just doing as he asked if only purely to keep a smile on his face at this point. "After everything that happened, he's not going to just dismiss my CMO perks."

Max kept on smiling, apparently unfazed, and spread his hand placatingly. "OK, OK. Forgive an old spy for falling into bad habits, the ones that die hard. I keep forgetting it's Captain Sorren now and not his predecessor. He's a bit more personable, I'd say. Times sure have changed..." Max said contemplatively. In truth he was making that up to cover for himself, but he was betting no one would dare compare the two COs anymore. Too awkward.

After standing, he stretched and adjusted his uniform. "Well, in that case, remember what I said earlier. Make the choice your heart tells you to. I know it will be the right one." He winked down at her, and stepped aside. "All right then Doctor. Thank you for the physical and psychological nourishment, it has been well received and digested. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to see a man about some computer processing power allotments. Maybe I'll see you around later?" Max gave her one last knowing grin, then tapped a finger to his forehead in farewell and made his way to the door. He stopped only to ask the waitress to put the meal on his running tab, a clear indicator that he had in fact been to this very restaurant before. But he was counting on Lillian not being overly concerned with that little deception as he strode confidently out onto the Promenade, feeling better than he had in weeks.


JP by These Lovelies
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||Starbase 12
||Ready Room
||August 3, 2387
||0900

Gan steepled his fingers and pondered for a few moments. He knew that he had a couple of things to do today, and after being sick for what felt like such a long time. He picked up a PADD and thumbed down his list of things to take care of that day. The first thing he really needed to do was talk to Taylor. He needed to know to a certain extent what had happened in detail on the planet and if his sending a larger group of marines would have helped. He would have to require Starfleet to send him another squad, but how big it was would be determined by the young Lieutenant and himself. He would have a more solid idea after the official debriefing after things were more settled down and he could talk to everyone who had been on the surface, but he knew that he should take this step. After all if he could have also had some more marines on the planet and on station, things could have been dealt with a lot more smoothly.

He pressed his commbadge gently and thought how best to phrase what he wanted from the marine. "Lieutenant Lucas, please meet me in my ready room when you have a free moment." He thought he would extend the olive branch, he didn't know if the man blamed him for what happened down there. He shrugged his shoulders and sighed softly. Getting back into the swing of things would be an interesting experiment. He felt like he was always on his back foot ever since the accident. Always reacting..well this would be his first step on the road to getting everything back to normal. He hoped Lillian was doing better than he was with the mess that he had helped to leave in Sickbay. He laughed, leaning back in his chair and awaiting Taylor.

"On my way sir." said Taylor with a mild look of confusion as he did an about turn and made his way towards the Ready Room. Why was Gan wanting to see him? No doubt about the fiasco on the planet. Would the other members of the away team be present or would it be a simple one-on-one? Either way he had certain things to say about Max. In fact Taylor had a lot of things to say about Max and so he made his way to the Ready Room at a pace just short of running. It was time to talk with the boss obviously and a few turbolift rides later he was soon confronted by the door of Gan's Ready Room.

He chimed his presence, waited a few moments and then opened the door before marching along the room as if it was a parade ground. Taylor stamped to a halt before offering one of the crispest salutes ever to be offered by a serving marine. "1st Lieutenant Lucas, reported as ordered. Sah!"

He chuckled softly, nodding to the man. "This is the last day I would have expected formality, Lieutenant. But thank you. At ease, Lucas." He smiled and waved for the man to take the chair across from him. "I just had a few things that I would like to talk to you about. I don't mean to intend to single you out, but before the official debrief I just wanted to get a couple of things straight for my report to Starfleet. Going to have a lot of questions to answer myself, but in the case of you and your men.." His brows furrowed as he thought for a moment. "I'm going to requisition another regiment of marines. If we had more hands on deck both for the station and for you down on the planet..maybe things would have gone differently. I know you were injured, I'm just trying to look out for my people Mr. Lucas."

He stood up for a moment, pacing, tapping the PADD in his hand against his thigh in beat with his steps on the opposite leg. "If you had to protect this station, the thousands of people here both civilian and Starfleet, how many souls would you, as an officer, need? Just as a rough guess will do." He pondered the thought himself for a few moments. He wanted to go over a few things with Starfleet, but he could recommend this at least. "And I want to recommend to the Corps that you receive a promotion, Lucas. As new as I am in this position I'm unsure of what protocols to follow to do it myself. But I'll put that in the report for you, it's the least that I can do marine."

"Oh. Alright." mumbled Taylor who's demeanor went from parade ground to barrack block in the space of a second. He sat down opposite Gan and let him say all he had to say. For a moment Taylor wondered if the drugs in his system were still active because the officer had mentioned he was thinking about bringing more marines and that Taylor was possibly getting a promotion. A rather strange change of events given that Ritter wanted him in the brig. That little detail could be told after the business however. "Well sir personally I don't think more marines would have done anything more than add to the body count. My guys were killed by impact force with the shuttle hitting the ground, not true enemy action. The marines on your station are pilots...trained in ground assault yes but their true strengths lie in dogfighting in space. For this station I'd say a company of men...around two hundred. Any more and you'll need a major or a colonel at the helm. A company can be commanded by a captain and it won't come across as...military build up. Stations do a lot of diplomatic stuff sir and if you're trying to prove that the Federation is a peace loving organisation then it would be best if you didn't have an entire regiment proving you wrong. Also I suggest a MARSOC squad, a small unit designed for recon and special operations when the need arises. Marines are a truncheon but these guys can be a scalpel. To get your company you'll need to speak to SFMC HQ in Germany, you'll need to have me transferred to said regiment if you want me commanding one of their companies. To get the MARSOC squad, speak to Hereford, England. All Starfleet special forces are trained and rotated from there. Ask for Omega Squad."

With that taken care of Taylor wondered if he should keep his silence about Ritter. Isn't that how people got away with things though? Silence? "Also sir...Lieutenant Commander Ritter has placed me under arrest for insubordination. I'm to be thrown into the brig for three days. My...insubordination was making a sly comment about Ritter's breath smelling of brandy or gin. There was little point in arresting him and taking command at this point. He seemed capable enough to do his job but drinking is drinking sir. Of course if the charges stick then I request trial by way of Court Martial."

Gan took short notes on everything Taylor suggested, so when he filed his report with Starfleet he could request formally what his MCO suggested. It would be a lot to ask for on a station like this, but with his already low count of marines, he could probably get away with it. Though since he was green he might not get everything he wanted. But perhaps because things on this station kept happening in the last few weeks that he really get everything he wanted. Wouldn't that be an exciting thought? He nodded, "I'll have it done, Lucas. Thank you."

He drummed his fingers against his desk for a moment or two, considering the implications that Taylor had brought to him. Lillian had already brought it to his attention, but he had decided to leave it for the debriefing where both men could have their say. But since Taylor was bringing it up now, he had to do some quick thinking. He put the PADD down on the desk and nodded, "I'll talk to the Commander, see if he really wants the charges to stick. I was already informed on the situation and had planned on speaking to the pair of you at the briefing later on. As it stands though, the most I could do is stick him in the brig with an over-exaggerated charge of neglect of duty. Drinking is drinking, but he was coherent and able to take command of the mission. Perhaps there is another way we can settle this?" He sighed softly, "If you want I can bring him in now, or talk with him after. Or you can both lay your claims on the table at the briefing and see where we stand after that. But if I talk to him, I doubt he'll make the insubordination stick. Though I'll keep in mind the Court Martial. I'm sure you have plenty of people to speak in your defense." He nodded.

"I'll....leave that with you sir." said Taylor after some deep thought. "If it comes from an officer of superior rank and position there is little he can do but surrender. Coming from me...it will no doubt cause confrontation. He seems the type to simply claim his status and move along without giving me my due. Point is sir...he's the type to pull that type of stunt. But from you he's got no wiggle room. I would advise against sticking him in the brig for something small. At least something this small. As the XO he's supposed to be the model officer for the staff...throwing him in the brig would merely weaken his posture and by extension your own."

He nodded, "Thank you, Lucas. I will take that into consideration. We'll just have a short conversation then. I'll let you know when I hear from Starfleet about your suggestions and your promotion. You're dismissed, Lieutenant. Thank you again for everything you did on the planet and for bringing those you could back home safe."

"Just doing my job sir, nothing more and nothing less." stated the marine who came to another salute before marching away.

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&

|| Starbase 12
|| Bridge
|| August 3, 2387
|| 1100

After securing his release from sickbay, Max quickly freshened up in his quarters, then made his way to the bridge to see Gan. Time was of the essence he knew, and there was much to be said. Things on Thalos had not gone exactly as he'd hoped, but he knew there was still a chance to turn the whole thing to his advantage, particularly in the context of past away missions that had not gone so well. It was time to consolidate his power both as Executive Officer and Chief Intelligence Officer, and that required the approval of the station's CO. It might be awkward at first, since they hadn't spoken much since the previous disastrous away mission, but he knew it was time.

With these thoughts in mind he made his way through the bridge, nodding at personnel he passed. Pausing before the door to Gan's ready room, Max collected his thoughts for a moment, and cleared his throat. He keyed the door control, and, for good measure, his comm badge. "Captain, it's Ritter. A word with you, if I may?"

He finished a cup of coffee while he read over his the final draft of his formal report to Starfleet. He made sure to reflect the positive actions that had been taken on the planet and his desires for the things that he had talked with Taylor about earlier that morning. He smiled softly to himself as he heard Max's voice come over the commbadge. He nodded, placing the PADD down on the table. "Come in, Max." He had wanted to have a few words with his XO anyway, but he had wanted to get out his report before he had. It was no matter though, he could spare any amount of time. Though for Max to seek him out was certainly intriguing. Perhaps a second round of losses was what they needed to recoup their friendship. The first had been destructive, but this was a rallying cry. They had stood their ground, and while they were hurting, he felt like they were stronger because of it.

The doors slid open and he greeted Max with a wave. "Come in man, sit down. Have a cup of coffee, its almost as if I ground it this morning." He chuckled warmly, glad that Max looked well enough and also glad that he felt well enough to be doing all this. He slid the PADD across the desk and motioned for Max to take it. "I want you to read that and see if you have anything to add to my report. For the moment I have declined to inform Starfleet of the disagreement you seem to have had with Lieutenant Lucas. But if you wish to press charges, I will place them in the report." He left it at that, waiting to hear what his XO had to say.

"Thank you sir," Max replied appreciatively, and took a cup of coffee. "How are you feeling? I hear you had an exciting time of it aboard the station while I was off gallivanting about the galaxy." Smiling and blowing on his warm mug, he seated himself and listened to what his CO had to say. But when those words were spoken and he began to read the PADD, his smile deteriorated in a neutral expression, his default look to avoid scowling and revealing his true emotions.

When he was done, he fixed Gan with a steely gaze. "What is there to say? Captain, I am sure you learned from your predecessor that there are two sides to every story, and this matter is no exception. We have here an unruly Marine who seems to be carrying an unprofessional grudge. To tell you the truth, I'm a bit perturbed by this. Based on his performance on the mission, I was prepared to commute his sentence to one day in the brig and three days docked pay, but based on this I am concerned about his discipline and respect for the chain of command. I'm almost tempted to reinstate or even double the original sentence, just to maintain order aboard this station at a time when it is needed most. But frankly, sir, I'm curious as to your take on this whole thing."

Max was irritated by the implications, to say the least. He had all but forgotten about the little disciplinary infraction in the course of the away mission's excitement, but based on the Marine's actions it all seemed personal now. The fact that he might be getting rid of a potential rival, both professionally and personally, factored into all this but right now it was about the heat of the moment. He decided to pursue this thing to its final conclusion, just out of principle. And he made a mental note to have Ensign Tavares doctor the relevant sensor logs to make sure his story was airtight in this matter.

He knew what Max said was true about there being two sides to every story. He pondered the implications that would bring, however. "So what you're telling me is that I have two officers on my command staff who are willing to bend the truth to what end, Max? While she didn't back him up, the Lieutenant reported that the complaint was lodged against you before Mr. Lucas came to me in the same regard. So apparently it must not just be a grudge." He thought for a moment or three about what to do about all of this. He stood up from his chair and paced his ready room. "Goddamnit man.." He turned towards his XO, "You're supposed to be my left hand, a show of strength and a beacon that the other officers can strive to be. You are the one they come to when they're too worried or too afraid to come to me with something." He growled low under his breath.

"Now look me in the eyes, Max. Look at me and tell me that you weren't intoxicated on my shuttlecraft. If you have any respect for what we're trying to do here, just be straight with me. It didn't jeopardize the mission, and I don't have a care in the world about the pissing contest between the two of you. You will comport yourselves as officers under my command and respect one another. I don't care if you like each other." He sighed softly, and resigned himself to sitting back down at his desk, "As for the charges of insubordination, you can hold to them if you like. I will pursue them if you wish, you are my XO and I will honor that. Lieutenant Lucas has asked to be tried by Court Martial, which means that if you press charges I will file them in an official report and send you, the Lieutenant and my report to a tribunal of your peers. I will select personnel from the station who are impartial or if you prefer, to the next nearest station to stand under another Captain's authority. But I would ask you as my friend not to follow this course of action. It is of course your choice in this matter Commander."

Max gazed back at Gan with a practiced impassive expression and replied coldly "Lieutenant Lucas is of course fabricating that claim entirely. I was not intoxicated aboard that shuttlecraft, and my performance on the away mission would seem to confirm this. The Marine's reasons for this can only be speculated on by myself, and I will not burden you with possible theories as to his personal animosities. If you truly think it is the best course of action to let this go, then I will withdraw the charges based on his exemplary performance on the away mission, if only for the sake of station morale." He made it sound like a huge concession on his part, but in truth he knew it was the wiser course of action. Now was not the time. He had to find another way to get rid of Taylor, but one where he had an airtight alibi. The Irish coffees with Lillian this morning made things a bit...tricky. So for now he would back down.

Leaning back in his chair, Max turned to another matter that had been brought up. "I have continually striven to be an approachable and efficient executive officer for you, despite the hardships of late. I can't help but wonder though if some of the negative feelings towards me are due to some irrational fear of this." He tugged at the gray of his uniform. "I have therefore been in contact with Starfleet Command about an eventual replacement for myself in the Intelligence department to solve this matter." He looked appropriately mournful at the thought, although it had been his plan for a while now.

"However, I would be remiss in my current duties as both XO and CIO if I did not point out that several of the misfortunes that have befallen the station and its away missions were due to a lack of timely information on whatever crisis or groups are being faced. My people are doing their best, but we are understaffed and rank behind several other departments in power and computer allotments. I'd therefore like to request an expansion of this station's Intelligence department, both in terms of personnel and computer processing power. If this request is granted, I will ensure that the expansion is seamlessly integrated into current station operations, then step down as CIO and turn my attention to full time executive command." There. His trump card. And maybe the ladies would go more for a man in a red uniform rather a gray one. One lady in particular.

He nodded, "Thank you, Max. It means a lot to have a resolution to this situation. I know that people worry about the gray. I know what it makes people think, but they'll be able to get past it eventually. They have to respect the established order. If I could help you by putting you in red I would consider it. Though if you are considering it, you'll have to let me know what sort of position you would be suited for. As a member of intelligence, I doubt that even I have the clearance needed to luck at your undoctored file." He chuckled slightly, "Though I would get more of it than anyone else on the station. If I had a mind for it that is. I trust you, and you'd be honest with me I think, if I asked you for your qualifications."

"As for the computer power, I can request that spare power be transferred to you on a regular basis, and save for in times of emergency I would be able to continue that flow. As for personnel I can place into the report the request additional members of the Intelligence community to help bolster your ranks. I agree that having had more information on the last away mission could have been essential. The accident was what it was. I doubt we could have helped that." He pondered for a moment, "Though I would ask you Max, for your recommendation as someone to replace you as my CIO. Perhaps someone you've worked with before?" He shrugged his shoulders, "You'd know a good man. Or woman."

Max sniffed, and moved his head slightly. "Thank you in turn, sir. I am working on clearing it with Starfleet Intelligence Command, and that will likely be a slow process. In time I would respectfully request a letter of recommendation from you on the subject, but for now it's a bureaucratic waiting game." He chuckled then at something else that occurred to him. "And my file is as classified as people might think…we just like to make it all seem more mysterious than it is. Just out of habit, you understand," he said pleasantly, more at ease now that Gan had eased the tension a bit with his comments.

He nodded in response to Gan's other points, and made a few notes on his PADD at the same time. When the Captain was done speaking he looked up and frowned in thought for a moment. "A replacement, yes…an important decision for all of us, sir." Someone who would be competent, but also someone who would know their place. Someone who wouldn't resent the XO looking over their shoulder the whole time, which he would certainly do to keep tabs on his old department…and the whole station. Such a person would be difficult to find, particularly in the gray uniform.

Max cleared his throat before continuing "Lieutenant T'Vor might be a possibility. Perhaps having a Vulcan in charge of Intelligence might put people's minds at ease a bit more. Still, that's something else I need to confer with Starfleet Intelligence Command about. When the time comes I'll give you a list of recommendations though, rest assured. But for now…" he paused, and glanced out the viewport at the stars for a moment "…what do you think of the new officers under your -our- command? Anyone you need me to talk to about anything?" It was an abrupt change of subject, but Max hoped that and his apparent dedication to his XO duties would impress Gan and make him reveal more of his inner thoughts.

"Well keep me informed as to the situation. I'll be going over my report in the full debriefing in a few hours." He shrugged his shoulders and pondered for a moment, "There is nothing else that I can think of at the moment. Unless you have any other questions, you can be dismissed Commander. Thank you for your assistance."

"Right. See you in a few hours sir. Good day." Max nodded, then stood and made his way out of the room and out onto the bridge, stopping to chat with an Ops ensign he encountered as he did so.

||Starbase 12
||Deck 12 Section 5 Entrance > Mess Hall
||August 3, 2387
||1404


Gabe stood, his arms folded across his chest as he watched the engineers working to repair the damage done to deck 12 section 5 after the power spike that had blown out the force field generators. Chief Bakel had practically forced him to take time out so he stood here now. He took a drink from the steaming cup that sat on the sill of the window he'd viewed the bodies of the dead from. A shiver ran down his spine as he remembered those few minutes in vivid detail, like some safety holovideo.

He closed his eyes as he took another drink, letting the hot tea run down his throat and wondered if he had chance to go get himself a snack, it left like days since he'd last eaten. For what left like the billionish time he went over the event in his mind, what could he have done differently?

Shelley was still trying to get the image of Julianne's bloody body out of her mind, but every time she closed her eyes that was all she could see, so she was taking some time out in the Mess Hall. Right now she wanted to have some time to herself, so she got the replicater to get her some food and took her tray over to an empty table to try and eat in peace. There was the occasional look cast her way from people who might potentially want to approach her, but none did and sometimes she wanted to talk to people too who looked like they were having a rough time.

"Who isn't having a rough time right now?" She asked herself.

After draining what was left of his tea, Gabe spun on his heel and walked down the corridor. If nothing else he needed to refill his drink; though he was hungry he didn't exactly have an appetite. His mind wandered as he made his way towards the Mess Hall images of the event flashed unbidden threw his head.

He shook his head to try and clear his thoughts as he entered the Mess Hall. He got a few nods from off duty engineers as he entered. He gave a curt nod back and placed his cup in the replicator, leaning against the wall as the cup dissolved into nothingness. He felt tired, not from lack of sleep but from emotional fatigue; right now he was drained.

He ordered another cup of tea and pulled off his jacket, tossing it onto one of the empty seats before dropping into it. He rolled his neck and took a drink. If Chief Bakel needed him she'd call, but until then he planned to rest for as long as he could.

Shelley was trying to focus on her soup, not really succeeding as the hustle and bustle of the place seemed a little bit overwhelming. There were people here that had lost family and friends and then Gabe had walked in and she noticed engineers giving him nod. Just as it was the CMO's job to know everyone's medical histories as best as they could, Shelley was supposed to know that of the junior officers...Gabe wasn't on the junior officer list she tended to, but she knew who he was.

She had heard that he was the one to find the bodies and it looked to her like maybe he wasn't eating? Obviously she couldn't know that for sure, but she had a feeling that he might need someone to talk to and until a new Chief Counselor was appointed this was her job...but maybe he wanted to be left alone. All she knew as she stood up with her tray was that he wasn't crying or anything and she didn't want to keep eating alone, so she approached him.

"Is this seat taken?"

Gabe looked up at the soft female voice asking about the seat across from him. He couldn't place her face; another memeber of the crew he'd not looked into. He made a mental note to go over the entire crew roster first chance he got, if only to keep himself from getting caught out.

"No, you're welcome to sit down, though I'm not sure how great my company will be today, Lieutenant." He replied weakly, "It's been a very very long day."

"Yes, it has been," she agreed as she took a seat. "I would say that it can't get any worse but it's only lunch and it very well could. That's not very optimistic, I know, but after yesterday I don't think we can find very many people to be optimistic..."

It wasn't a very counselor thing to say but she smiled at him. "You must be Gabriel Sharpe, right? I could be wrong, we haven't met, but I've heard a lot about you through the grapevine. Then again, you could be Vladislav from security, but the engineers seem to know you and you're not Russian...I'm Shelley Kingston."

She held her hand out gingerly for him to shake.

"Pleased to meet ya Shelley, and yes I'm Gabe." He said, giving her hand a shake. "No, after yesterday I think we're all gonna be a little worse for wear as it were." He took a drink and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I think it's safe to say that yesterday was as close to hell as anyone really wants to get, know I didn't exactly have a good day."

He tried his best to keep his best poker face going, but at the moment he was finding it harder and harder.

"I didn't either," Shelley admitted as she took a bite of her sandwich.

She took that moment to look Gabe over as she chewed her food politely, not wanting to talk with her mouth full because he'd think she was un-ladylike. Besides, it was imperative in her line of work to make sure that she was really observant and if she didn't take the time now to assess the situation than she never would...but he was a little bit distracting. Shelley noted his physique and the color of his eyes as she studied him, setting the sandwich down and wiping her fingers on her napkin before she swallowed and opened her mouth to speak again.

"Yesterday was kind of...well, nothing has happened like this since the accident. I think it's safe to say that everyone's in a funk, but there's always someone to talk to," Shelley tried, smiling gently at him. "I know we only just met, but I've found that a total stranger can actually be the best secret keeper. I'll even start us off--I lost my best friend during the accident and the closest replacement I got was murdered yesterday and I found her dead body. If yesterday was Hell...I hope it was better for others."

"Sorry to hear that," he said sadly. "My day wasn't that great either. Spent twenty minutes trying to save everyone in Section 5...as ya may have guessed, I failed."

He took a drink of tea and gave a slight smile as something clicked in his mind.

"Ya a counselor aren't ya?" he asked, watching her face.

"In my on hours," she admitted, not wanting to lie to him. "Honestly though, before I can other people, I have to help myself and if I don't want to talk about, why would anyone else? I've been feeling quite the failure myself today and to be honest...there wasn't much you could do. Jason Cobalt knew the Starbase inside and out--he's been here longer than most of us and he snapped because he was going to be a father and it was all ripped away from him. I understand why he did it even though I can't condone it and I can't forgive it. Isn't that what I'm supposed to be teaching people though? Forgiveness so that they can move on with their lives?"

She took a deep breath and shook her head. "I understand that he was grieving and I understand that he was in pain that we couldn't take away, but he killed innocent people yesterday all because he thought that things were being handled unfairly. If everyone started thinking like that then this would be a zoo. Yesterday wasn't your fault, Gabriel...yesterday was just something that you were forced to watch and the sooner you forgive yourself for something you didn't do, the sooner you can feel better, but I'm off duty. I just came to sit with the cute engineer so I wouldn't have to eat lunch alone."

"Deep down I know it wasn't my fault--the deck was stacked from the very start to make sure I lost--but right now I can't seem to feel it. Yesterday is something I'll remember for a very long time...quite literally." He placed his cup on the table and leaned back in his chair.

"Personally I can't forgive him; yes the loss of a child is tragic and not something I'd wish on anyone, but the guy murdered god knows how many people...I still haven't been able to bring myself to check the total number of dead yet."

Having finished that little rant he smiled, "Cute engineer huh? Not so bad yaself there counselor. Well, I guess we can't have ya eating alone now can we?"

"I agree with you whole heartedly and...it's probably best we change the subject," she suggested as she thought about how many people had died yesterday, blushing a little at him. "Thank you. This morning I didn't think I'd have it in me to even roll out of bed let alone shower and brush my hair."

She giggled and then ate a couple of green beans before continuing. "So what do you do when you're not working? You must have a hobby or two to keep you nice and busy...unless work is your life. I hear a lot about engineers and their crazy hours, so I'm sorry if I'm being too nosy--I just figured I should try to get to know you."

The smile that came next was warm and genuine, and her eyes were glued on him as she sipped her hot chocolate.

"No worries. I've not slept since I started my shift yesterday, not just coz I been working but mostly coz right now I'm not sure I'd be able too. Haven't eaten since then either, not really been myself much. Just glad I can go days without sleep--looks like I'm gonna be testin' that theory a fair bit." He replied, impressed by the way she'd managed to get him to open up without really trying: he had to hand it to Shelley, she was good at her job.

"So what about yaself Counselor? Ya say ya lost ya best friend, where they in section 5?"

"You should eat something," Shelley said as she pushed her tray to him with the other half of her sandwich--it had come out of the replicater as two sliced halves and she wanted him to eat. "As a counselor I should tell you to sleep and take time off...but I'm off duty and not assigned to you, so the best I can do is make sure you stay fed if you're going to stay on your feet. Otherwise we have a undernourishment case on our hands and then the CMO has to declare you unfit for duty."

Shelley shifted uncomfortably a moment at the question. "I lost my best friend months back--he was part of the Away Team when all those people died and everyone got promoted and re-assigned. This time around we lost the Chief Counselor and now...I don't know, I've been spending most of my time either alone or with clients. I don't really...I'm not so used to one on one without an agenda, I guess."

"Understandable. These days it's surprisingly easy to fall into your job. My academy days were pretty much spent reading and attending class. It wasn't really until near the end of my time on the El Dorado, I actually got myself a personal life. For you I guess it's people looking for solutions to personal problems; for me it was working double shifts and looking to spend as little time with people as I could, mostly coz I wasn't really a people person. I was the only child on the Blackmane so all the people I knew were the crew, which while it helped me gain lots of knowledge, it didn't really help with social skills. For some people it's hard to 'step out of uniform' as it were--I know it was and at times still is for me." He said, taking a bite out of the sandwich Shelley had offered him, "Thanks for the food, guess I was more hungry than I thought."

"Overexertion tends to cause hunger," she smiled at him and nodded, rising. "Just keep yourself fed even if you don't really feel like eating if you're going to run off and deplete your energy through work. Like you said, I do have people's problems to try and solve, but I did enjoy spending this meal with you. Maybe we could make it more of a habit?"

She rested her hand on his shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "Try not to work yourself into a coma and if you ever want to actually talk about anything, professionally my door is open. I think that things will get better even though they seem so bad and I really do think that things will look up. It was nice meeting you, Gabriel."

Shelley let her hand linger on his back as she slowly pulled it away, turning to walk away.

"I think we could definitely make this a habit," he said adding with a chuckle. "Though next time I'll get a meal of my own. Have a good day Shelley."

He gave her a nod and a smile as she left, his day a little brighter. Yes...we really should make this a habit, he thought to himself.


JP By:
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||Starbase 12
||Deck 12 Section 5 Entrance
||August 3, 2387
||1500

Gabe took a step back and looked at the screen he'd just finished fitting to the bulkhead next to the enterance to Section 5. As soon as he did we saw the names of those that had died in the recent attack.

They say we're born innocent and that our choices in life make us who we are. These people were both innocent and choiceless in the end, their lives ended without a chance to fight back. Lives cut short by the whime of a man that saw them as less then people, He saw them as a message, though it's meaning is lost on me.

Who they were meant nothing to him, the potential that was lost in such a meaningless way. Who knows who these people could have been.Maybe a famous starship captain, a doctor that would go on to cure something thought uncurable, even a criminal leader, but at least it would have been their choice whether or not we agree with it.

Mothers and Sons, Fathers and Daughters. None where spared in this meaningless attack on people that had nothing to do with whatever mad scheme was in operation. The lives lost here will be felt across the quadrant, holes created in many other lives. Famlies torn apart and those closest to the victims will never get to know why their relatives were killed.

I have an eidetic memory and was the first one the scene. I saw the results, the dead ejected into the cold black void. It's something i'll literally never forget. Faces twisted in fear, pain and anger, Children and parents holding onto each other for dear life as the air was forced from their bodies.

He shuddered as he thought of the dead. Their names and faces, burned into his memory like a phaser blast after he'd gone over the files of everyone that had died as he as making the memorial. He had to know who they were, though people kept telling him is wasn't his fault he couldn't quite get over the events of that day.

Fate catches up to us all in the end and fate doesn't give us a choice. We live, love, fight everyday in the hopes that we'll get another and hope that our lives will mean something. But for every good deed done in the universe there seems to be at least one bad to go right along with it. Balance must be kept... but at times like this i wonder what was done to need this much balancing.

Gabe stroked the stubble that had grown since the last time he slept, nearly two days, and regared his handywork. The Memorial seemed right, if for no other reason that he felt the victims should be remembered. The attack had been a dark day in the station's history, but those that forget the mistakes of the past are doomed to repeat them. He pulled a bottle of mead from his kit and poured himself a glass, raising a toast to the dead.

"May ya rest in peace." He said as he downed the glass.

||Starbase 12
||Briefing Room
||August 3, 2387
||1530

He sat at the head of the table, looking at the PADD he had brought with him. He had already sent orders out to everyone to be there by 1600 so he would just take a few minutes to go over a few things. He didn't know what would happen if he had his XO and his MCO in the same room. The men certainly seemed to have a distaste for one another. It would be hard, but in this he would have to put his foot down. They had to show each other respect so that the crew would respect them. He wouldn't have two officers on his senior staff biting at each other's throats like wolves. It simply would not do. He just had to find a way to bring them into accord somehow, but he wished he could do that without pulling them by the ear. He should just knock their heads together and lock them in a room somewhere for a few hours so they could work it out. Or kill one another. He chuckled softly, well that would at least solve the problem of their fighting. But he'd hate to have to replace his XO. In close quarters, he assumed the marine would probably win a fair fight. Though Max certainly would do his best to not allow it to be fair.

He had to talk to Lillian about this after the debriefing. She might have some sort of idea that he hadn't thought of yet, she was usually very good about that. Gan tended to think in straight lines, the shortest route through any situation to him was a straight line. She could think in curves far better than he would ever be able to. And if he was ever to reconcile the two of them, it would definitely have to be a curve ball that neither man saw coming. He shook his head and finalized the changes to the Security and did what he could to ascertain what he would need to do to get the station back on track once more. This would certainly be an interesting meeting.

Meetings. It was always meetings. Meetings about missions, meetings about lunch, meetings about diplomatic incidents. The life of a senior officer was just filled with fun. Still he put on his game face and put his feelings about Max to the back of his mind. Feelings that were more or less contempt and utter loathing that the man couldn't obviously put down the bottle. He kept his mouth shut as he walked into the briefing room and offered Gan a salute before sitting down.

"Afternoon captain. Sorry if I'm late...where there's no report there is a meeting and when there is no meeting there's a report. I swear paperwork exists to thwart me."

Lillian wasn't looking forward to this debriefing because that meant dealing with Taylor and Max in the same space and she had a problem that that wouldn't be much fun. Honestly, she wanted the problem between them to just go away because regardless of what happened in the shuttle, without them both she wouldn't be there right now and she knew it...and perhaps they wouldn't be here now without her. Still, she knew how men were and she knew how much they enjoyed arguing and trying to prove whose was bigger, so she sighed loudly and then plastered a smile on her face as she entered the room with her jacket open.

Her duty jacket was pretty much always open.

She was supposed to be a professional, but at the same time she also had a habit of being the free Betazoid that she was and so she managed to do her job and also not completely keep her duty jacket on when she was flustered. Lillian had been trying to get a lot done since getting back to the station and while she was supposed to rest, she didn't want to. At this point Gan was going to force her to go and talk to a counselor about it, but that was alright with her because maybe that was what she needed. Still, this was about a meeting and so she hurried into the room and paused when she saw Gan and Taylor there already.

"Good afternoon...and here I thought I'd be the first one..." Lillian said, smiling in Taylor's direction and then quickly taking a seat and trying to keep her eyes off of him.

Max eventually strode into the room in a confident mood, having spent the past several hours analyzing reports and details and thoroughly preparing himself mentally for whatever might come up in this debriefing. Wasting no time, he looked around the room approvingly, then spoke to the assembled officers in his most pleasant tone.

"All right, we're all here so let's get started, shall we?" he asked, almost as if he had called the meeting. "I'm sure we've all reviewed each other's reports and the supplementary information, so there's no need to read it all through again. I'd say it would be best to go around and discuss specific details that each of us feels needs clarification." He nodded in turn to Taylor, Lillian, and finally Gan. "Captain, I think you had better go first, so we can all make sure we agree with everything you have to say," Max joked as he seated himself, every bit the cheerful XO. He was taking a risk with this approach, but he had a good feeling it would work.

"Afternoon, everyone." He laid his PADD down on the table and thought about he wanted to say. "For the debriefing I've thought about what I wanted from each of you. The planetside encounters you've faced as a group have made us stronger, in some ways. It has brought us closer together." He looked between Max and Taylor, hoping they could keep their disputes to a minimum. It would be a long day if they spent half of it bickering amongst one another.

"All I really have to ask of you is if there was anything I could have done as your commander to have prevented what happened down there? I've spoken to Max about the intelligence issues and Taylor about personnel both on board the station and a contingent for away missions." He turned to Lillian, "But do you think I could have done anything in your expertise, Lillian?" He pondered for a few moments before he continued on. He would let everyone speak but for the moment he had the table. "I've submitted my report to each of you to review before I file it officially." He placed PADDs down in front of each of them. "And if you have any other questions, make sure to speak up." He smiled, sitting back down so his other senior staff members could take the floor.

Lillian wasn't all that sure about what it was that she wanted to say, but she knew that she needed to speak up and preferrably before the boys had a chance to say anything. At this point, she was pretty certain that even Gan knew how the two men felt about each other and Lillian still wanted to know why that was that the two didn't get along...was it simply gray and green not able to work together? Maybe it was because she was a Betazoid, but Lillian didn't understand why two people couldn't be more professional despite their personal issues but then again it brought her back to Cecily--the two of them butt heads more than once too. So maybe it was like that, but Taylor was new and so there was no history there and she just didn't understand, but that was the way that it was and it was her turn to speak her piece.

"If you want my honest opinion," Lillian began, "I think that it would be best if the reports were simply filled with what happened on the planet and none of the other...issues. What happened was a distress call was sent and when we answered, we were attacked as we were unaware of the situation that we were being sent into. We ended up having to help the original senders of the call and Starfleet needs to be informed--they need to handle this. There was nothing that we could do, save more intelligence work, but that could have taken days and we had to act. Once we were shot out of the sky it was up to surviving and we all helped each other to survive...the fact that there is a chance that either Max or Taylor will be punished for what they did down there makes me upset for more reasons than one."

"Nothing could have been done to prevent the shuttle being shot down sir." added Taylor with a nod. "They wanted to bring us down and they did. Intelligence wouldn't have been able to map AA capability if they were mobile or semi-mobile platforms. If we had an idea that our response to the distress call had been picked up by their SIGINT we could have perhaps chose a safer location to fly over and land."

Taylor paused for a moment before taking a look at both Lillian and Max, the latter was given some form of loathing. "However Doctor Crae was correct. On ground intelligence work would have taken too long. However I'm interested in how the Intelligence department wasn't able to provide proper information on the battlefield communications or lack thereof perhaps indicating a war down there. I wonder how a bunch of thugs led by a despot was able to crack SFI comm encryption....if there was any encryption in place."

He nodded, "I will do everything I can to make sure they aren't punished for anything that went down on the planet, Lillian. I am unsure what more I can than reflect positively on all your actions in my report." He smiled warmly and considered everything that had happened. "I suppose at the end of the day there wasn't anything else we could have accomplished without a lot more time than we had. I'm sure that Starfleet will see it that way as well. As for the sake of encryption, perhaps there was just not enough people to work the problem. We'll have to get things under control up here again. Repairs are well underway as we speak and we'll be able to proceed with our mission out here. Thank you everyone. Is there anything else that needs be done?"

Nothing could crack the smile on Max's face, and he merely nodded and grinned at Taylor during the obvious attack. It did not faze him at all, and he meant to show it as he returned the Marine's sour expression with one of reasonable professionalism. I've got your number, you thick-necked bastard, and I'm going to take you down with it. Use all of your bluster against you, and leave you bewildered and alone in the end, wondering why Lillian chose me. And if you had half the brain that you had brawn, you'd know why. But he said none of that, only made inconsequential notes on his PADD for a moment before looking up and around.

"The Lieutenant makes a good point there. I've ordered a full investigation and review into the matter, and if there was anything of concern I'll call another meeting and fill you in on the details. But at the moment I agree with the Captain and suspect it was more a matter of insufficient resources to cover a sector this vast. I'm referring to things like personnel, processing power, and overall observation assets." He paused a moment, glancing at each of the other officers individually before continuing.

"To that end I've already proposed an expansion in personnel for most departments aboard the station to the Captain. Obviously the Intelligence department is a priority to avoid going into hostile situations blind, but I think most departments require bolstering. Medical, engineering, security, and…" he made sure not to look at Lillian as he said the final bit, to avoid revealing too much "…additional Marines, for security purposes on dangerous away missions. I have personally witnessed the effectiveness of a single Marine in such conditions, and believe we could only benefit from an expansion of their force," Max offered calmly, nodding respectfully at Taylor the whole time.

There. Fighting while appearing to be retreating, fighting without fighting. Give the enemy what they want and they will eventually give you what you want: victory. Let's see how you handle that, Taylor. Or… "Perhaps even a dedicated Marine attack craft, to deploy as the first response to dangerous situations. Secure the area for the medical and engineering personnel who will come later and all that." And put you in the line of fire first instead of me, perhaps?

While Max made sure not to look at Lillian, Lillian smiled in his direction for choosing to listen to what she had suggested about adding additional marines to the base. She was worried about how things were fairing with the rebuild here and after this fiasco it was important to prepare a united front--that and she really couldn't ignore the animosity between the two men at the table with her and Gan. If she couldn't tell that they were at odds no matter how fake the attempt at peace, then she would just be ignorant and that was certainly something that Lillian Crae was not...she was intelligent, rather she acted like she was or not.

"I believe that Lieutenant Lucas can handle anything thrown in his direction--he proved that on the surface of Thalos more than once. Had it not been for him, Doctor Stone swears that my leg would have been in far worse condition. As for Commander Ritter, he also put forth a tremendous performance of authority. I believe that should these two work together to keep this place up and running, we shouldn't have a problem with gathered information nor with the protection of the people that we have here. Besides, I'm handy at patching up, so should the extra marines need a pair of talented hands, I volunteer to keep an eye on them."

"I suppose if you really want to continue the line of bad ideas commander, giving the marines their own ship would be a bad one." said Taylor with narrowed eyes. "Captain we've discussed this point before. A company of marines would give us both the offensive and defensive capabilities the station requires with or without the aid of the Security department. Any more and it's going to seem like sabre rattling. Obviously the commander is not aware of the diplomatic consequences of such a view...so I shall endeavour to enlighten him."

Taylor sat back in his chair and shook his head slowly at the fact he was having to explain this to the XO. "We are positioned amongst some rather volatile borders. Borders which, when faced with military build up, can become highly dangerous. Ambassadors coming to this station might not take too kindly when they see warships at their front door. We need to be careful...we don't have the luxury of starting a war."

What could have been left as a way to bury some sort of hatchet seemed lost and Lillian found herself actually groaning out loud and her mouth got the better of her.

"First of all, Commander Ritter is your XO so you will treat him with respect even when you don't agree with his methods," Lillian shot at Taylor, clearly disappointed with both him and Max. "As for you, Commander, you're at a table with a Betazoid, so I suggest that you also take notes with what it is that I am about to say, because I'm only going to say it once. This is a response base. We are here to be formidable. We are here to have military men. We are here to have doctors and scientists. We are here to be somewhat scary to our neighbors and to appear strong to our allies so that they know that we will be able to aide them whenever it is that they need us to do that. I could care less about you two and your clear as day pissing contest, but I seem to be the only one here thinking about what is clearly best for this station without wanting to screw the other person over or point out how wrong they are. Save your personal disputes for the holodeck."

She took a deep breath and looked directly at Gan. "I am aware that I am talking out of turn and that I am just your second officer, but I believe that in order to restore this place to what Starfleet intended for it to be--to restore our purpose--we need to have a strong military, diplomatic and intelligence front. Those are the only sections that we should currently be focusing on. More marines. More security officers. More intelligence officers, more diplomats. We are a response base and that means that we are expected to be somewhat of a fighting base. We have medical personnel. We have scientists and engineers...we don't need the focus right now and Milos System taught us that. I did not poison a man down there for no good reason!"

Lillian knew that she had raised her voice and let that slip and that she was now emotionally on edge, but she was getting fed up with men.

He smiled softly, knowing that Lillian had the right of it. He couldn't have said it any better himself, but he had to wonder as to the motivations of the two men. It was hard to read either of them. But he knew that he had to do something. He just needed to figure out how to get the two men to comport themselves. "You have the right of it, Lillian. This station is meant to first and foremost be a response base. We cannot forget our mission.." He looked to his senior officers, "Or our place." He grimaced, "I don't know why the both of you have your hackles raised like dogs fighting over a bone, but I will again stress that you respect one another. If you want to strangle each other, do it in your off time. We're here to work."

He spun his PADD idly out on the table and sighed softly. "I have heeded the recommendations of my MCO and my CIO in response to the crisis that occurred on Milos and I have taken action as to try to prevent something like this from happening again. I will submit these requests to Starfleet so we can continue to serve our purpose out here. Now if you wish it, I can put the two of you in a holding cell together and you can debate out your differences. Or kill each other. But one way or another, I won't have you wondering if daggers in the night would serve a better purpose. Now that the mission is under wraps and our discussion has been coming to its conclusion, I'm sure that we will be able to work well with one another, yes?" He grinned, "Or we can continue our infighting and give our enemies an opportunity to see us outside of a secure area fighting amongst ourselves. But either way, we will all leave this room with our heads held high as Starfleet personnel. Do what you want out of uniform. But this.." He tugged at his duty jacket, "When you put this on in the morning, try to remember all the people who wore it before you. Show the uniform what is due to it."

Max had kept quiet during the exchange, because it was all he could do not to lean way back in his chair and clasp his hands behind his head with a huge grin on his face. Instead he nodded gravely at each of the points, avoiding direct eye contact with anyone. He hoped Lillian was listening well as Taylor repeated his own earlier warning about provocation, albeit in a much more blunt manner. Max had to give the Marine credit for grasping the political and diplomatic realities of their position, but then again it was always good to have a healthy respect for one's foes to avoid underestimating them.

He adopted a surprised expression when Gan accused them both of animosity. Maybe that was just to avoid calling out Taylor and making a scene. Very well, he could work with this. This engagement was all but won, he just needed to mop up. Doing his best to sound contrite, Max nodded in response to their CO's points. "Yes, sir. Perhaps there have been some communication difficulties in the past, and maybe the transition following the accident has left people a little unsure of their respective niches. Some friction is to be expected, but we'll get over it. Meetings like this are good for discussion and even venting. Better it happen behind closed doors than out in front of the crew. And I'm confident we're well on our way to becoming the finest crew in Starfleet. Just as long as we all remember our purpose," he said, echoing Gan from earlier "and our place." He smiled affably at everyone around the table, particularly Taylor.

"And I know my place as XO is to be a uniter and not a divider, so I promise to to be open to any ideas or views that you or any other officers aboard have. Suggestions, comments concerns...all are welcome, even if it doesn't always sound that way. So if you or any of your people have anything they want to tell me...just say it into the light fixture or replicator in your quarters, I'll hear it," he offered with a chuckle, trying to restore some levity to the room. Now was not the time to push things too far.

For a moment Lillian felt like the walls were caving in and it bothered her that Max had directed such a comment at Taylor as well. "Captain? If that is all, I move for a dismissal."

For a moment she wondered if they could tell that she was panicking, but for a moment she actually felt a loss of control and wanted nothing more than to be in Sickbay. She felt better when she was helping and conversing and she didn't want to be in such an environment right now because it was emotionally draining. Lillian just gave a smile though and tried not to seem as antsy as she felt, hoping the captain wouldn't motion for her to see a counselor...there were just some things that Lillian Crae refused to do.

He nodded, "Indeed. I agree, if there's nothing else, you're all dismissed." Though he crooked a finger at Lillian, "Though I would like to talk to you Lieutenant. If you can spare an old man a moment or three." He waved to the other members of the Senior Staff, hoping that the next few weeks would go over a fair amount easier than these had. He just had to make sure Lillian was alright. He knew her fairly well, and she had to be troubled with the poisoning. It broke every ethical code in the book, more or less. He didn't fault her, but he did want to touch base with her.

Max raised an eyebrow at Gan's request, but nodded at the dismissal and stood, quickly making his way out into the corridor. As he headed towards the turbolift, he glanced over his shoulder a few times, just out of habit.


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||Starbase 12
||Briefing Room
||August 3, 2387
||1630

Gan drummed his fingers on the table, watching everyone leave the room. This wouldn't be the ideal place to have this conversation. But he needed to make sure everything was okay with Lillian, he had an inkling of how she felt but he knew he could never truly understood. He walked over to the replicator in the room, "Green tea. Warm." He spoke gently and retrieved the cup. He looked back to her, smiling softly. "Can I get you anything before I sit down again?" He paused momentarily, sipping the tea. This would be a hard thing to broach but he needed to say something. Everyone else had left, so they were alone. "I wanted to talk to you about the ethical quandaries you are dealing with from on the planet's surface, Lillian. I know you're having a hard time with what happened down there, and I also know its not necessarily something you can dump on the counselors either. They might have to report you, I'm unsure of their views on it...but...if you need to as your captain I am here for you." He pondered for a moment, leaning against the bulkhead.

"I know I can't imagine what it's like, having to put your duty before the oaths you swore. I remember them as well, but I am as liable as you? I know you have a more personal attachment and I don't begin to dream what that means. But...Lilly..." He sighed softly, "I give orders in crises that get people killed. Sometimes its to save more lives, but still...people die under my watch and sometimes at my behest? Does that make me any less liable in an ethical sense than you are? I put you in the situation that caused you to need to violate your oath to do no harm, so perhaps I have done just as much harm as you." He shrugged his shoulders, "You helped save the lives of everyone who came back, and while the price in life can never truly be worth it, it cannot be overlooked. You did what you had to do to get your people home." He looked her in the eyes, "And I wouldn't have done any differently in your shoes."

"I could have just given him what he wanted," Lillian found herself saying.

She hadn't given as much thought to it in the way that she was sure she should have, but the events had plagued her dreams...even turned the best dreams into nightmares in the middle of the night and she knew they would continue. Lillian had had such dreams during the war, but as Max had pointed the war was over and a lot of that had been pushed down by her ventures in Starfleet to become a better person--to find out who she was besides a fighter. She had always been the kind of person to give of herself and to hold nothing back and never ask for anything in return; to fight and protect with the ferocity of a mother bear...but there was a pain there she'd always carry and this reminded her of things about herself she had wanted to keep buried.

Now Gan was telling her things she supposed she expected of him, though she had feared he would send her to the counselors but even he knew that might lose him his CMO. This was nothing that she couldn't get past, she just needed time and yet every time she let herself think about what had happened she couldn't bring herself from thinking that his death had been preventable...if she'd just let him have what he wanted of her in the first place. Sure, she told herself that she was low on time and needed answers as quickly as possible, but a voice deep inside told her that had she just let him use her--maybe helped things along in the ways Betazoids knew how--she could have gotten through the time crunch and spared him.

Those thoughts haunted her. "Taking a life isn't something that I am not...it's not something I haven't done," she explained to Gan, picking her words more carefully as she continued to speak. "You know from my records and from brief chats that I was part of the Dominion War on Betazed so it's not his death exactly--it's that something inside of me let me take his life after I swore myself to Starfleet. If I can still do something like that, then how far have I really come? I haven't."

He shrugged his shoulders, "The Cardassian occupation of Bajor was a huge pressure on my parents when I was growing up. Our home had just become independent from the occupation a year before I was born. I can only imagine the things that they went through. But I know the trials and tribulations of growing up in a situation like what happened during the Dominion War. I of course was never part of the actual fighting, but I know the aftermath all too well." He pondered for a moment, "I don't want this on record Lilly. But not mentioning it could lose me my job. So if we do this, you have to let me know if you're hurting. I didn't know you during the war, but you're a damn fine woman and I would be remiss to lose you as my CMO. I don't think it was something that's wrong with you. This universe...it'll make you doubt yourself. Make you bleed. But you can come back from that if you try. Sometimes things have to be done to make sure that you can make it home. I don't blame you, but I need to know that you don't blame yourself. You can't kick yourself over this too hard."

"I think it's in the rules somewhere that I need to see a counselor if something plagues me enough not to do my job but I just...I can't. This isn't something I want to keep talking about," she admitted to Gan with a shake of her head. "You know what hurts me the most? Honestly? Is that I broke a promise. My people believe in honesty--we have naked weddings to symbolize the giving of oneself completely and truly--and when a promise is broken, it's a pretty big deal. We try very, very hard not to lie and are more disappointed than most when a lie occurs. We're not perfect and we do lie sometimes, but I made an oath when I became a doctor: to do no harm. I did harm the moment I was so upset that I concocted a plan to poison a man and you know what? I was going to give him an antidote but his touch made my skin crawl and he was just going to kill us all anyway and I snapped...and I let him die. Those aren't the kinds of decisions I get to make anymore and I want to believe that I won't ever do that again, but what if I'm just like..."

She trailed off because she had sworn long ago never to speak of Marshall and should he find out she was starting to, he'd send someone after her and she'd spent so long away from him. He was not a force to be reckoned with and part of why she was so good at being a Betazoid despite all the growing that she had done personally in the Academy. While Lillian craved companionship and she wanted to be a mother more than anything else, she knew deep down that because of what she was capable of, she didn't deserve that...didn't deserve it because of the mistakes that she had made. Her past was perfect as far as anyone else was concerned, but there were dark chapters she didn't want to relive even though this was making her think of those days more and more.

"I'll be alright, Captain," Lillian told him after she composed herself. "I just need a couple of days to myself to regroup and remind myself of why I joined Starfleet in the first place. I need to relax and I need to remind myself that I'm good at what I do and that it's about helping people...I need to remind myself that I'm here for a reason. I got through the war when I was 16 and I'll get through this now. I'm older and I've got more to live for and I'm not going to do anything to jeopardize your command. The moment I feel I am unfit, you will be the first to know, but I don't think that's necessary. It's just still too soon and I need to cope with my actions. Maybe two or three days off?"

He nodded, "I understand. It's a rough thing to go through and I'm sorry that you had to break your oath. But I'm glad you made it back safe, and I won't worry overmuch how that occurred. I won't send you to the counselor's office or anything like that, just take your couple of days off and enjoy them. I'll cover at sickbay if need be." He smiled warmly, "That desk is a trap Lilly, don't let anyone convince you otherwise. Once you sit behind it, you're stuck there. Not that some days it isn't worth it...but most days I don't feel like I have enough time to have a life. I don't have the luxury of taking time off, unfortunately I can't have someone cover being the Captain." He laughed warmly, "But it's a beautiful thing knowing that you have a family that's there for you supporting you. Your fellow officers are your family, and we're here for you." He stood up, "It's nice to have you back on board. Thank you Lieutenant, for everything you've done."

"Well, you have an XO and a 2XO for a reason," Lillian teased, smiling at him. "You actually have to take time off every once in a while just to make sure you're right in the head, but I hear what you're saying. You're responsible for this station and everyone on it and that's a heavy burden to bear, I know. I don't know entirely as I've never been in charge of an entire station, but I've been in charge of enough to know that you feel more weighed down sometimes than I do...or any of the rest of us. That doesn't mean you shouldn't take a break every now and again though. If you're not in good health and sound mind than neither are the rest of us, so remember that before you condemn yourself. You are just as every bit a person as the rest of us, and every bit as much in need of time to yourself--anyone in Starfleet would agree with me. In fact my place as CMO is to make sure that sometimes you take a break."

She had to throw that in just to remind him and herself of her position because she needed to step up here as she was in charge of so much more than people thought she was. Sure, she had Sickbay and she had nurses to oversee and she had to be responsible for the whole station as well, but it had never really seemed like that. There were other doctors who helped her, she wasn't the only one, but Gan was the only captain and that meant that he was the only one that anyone was really looking to, to make the decisions around here. On top of all of that, Lillian was supposed to make sure that Gan was good and fit for duty and how could she be responsible for so much--especially him--if she couldn't even be responsible for herself.

Nodding she gave Gan a smile. "Thank you too, Captain. I'll be fine with just a bit of time to myself, I'm sure of it."

He smiled, "I'll do my best to take a vacation if I need to. But for now, I think I can handle it. But trust me I will let you know if I think I need a day off. It tests you. It really does." He smiled softly, "Take your couple of days and maybe I'll talk to you and Max about taking a couple myself. We'll see how it goes." He stood up and started to walk out. "Well if you need anything, don't be afraid to find me. Let me know if anything else is troubling you later on."

Lillian smiled and assured him she would before she took her leave, knowing exactly how she was going to spend her free time...


JP by These Lovelies
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